


Promises

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst, M/M, Rape, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-01
Updated: 2004-07-31
Packaged: 2017-10-07 19:43:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 23,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Series 8. The posse have built new lives for themselves on Red Dwarf; but then something happens, so terrible and shocking, that afterwards.... nothing can ever be the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

            It was almost peculiar how quickly things had settled into normality after everything that had happened. 

            Having contacted Hollister to tell him that they had obtained the antidote to the virus consuming Red Dwarf, and that the ship was rebuilding itself even as they spoke, it wasn’t long before the rest of the crew were returning in the various smaller crafts they’d escaped in.  Within hours, everyone was back; and the five of them had been called to Hollister’s office.

            It seemed that saving the ship and – effectively - the entire crew, was enough to make Hollister forget about certain recent events involving time wands, dinosaurs and clothes-eating viruses.  Lister and Rimmer had suspicions that the captain still harboured a degree of concern over what the JMC might make of these events, and had not quite come to terms yet with the fact that the powers that be were either long dead along with the rest of the human race, or three million years too far away to do anything about it.

            Either way, they’d come out of it well.  All five of them were given an immediate pardon from their sentences in the Brig.  Kryten and the Cat were made full registered crew members and given positions as Scientific and Navigation advisors respectively; and Rimmer and Kochanski were returned to full former status, effective at once. 

            Lister was promoted to ‘Mission Co-Coordinator’.  In all honesty, it was a position that Hollister had created especially, rather than an established rank, but it gave Lister a part in the day-to-day running of the ship, credit as an advisor and instant officerhood.  At Lister’s insistence, and to Hollister’s surprise, the last part of this substantial reward had been kept pretty quiet.  Lister was no psychiatrist, but he had a feeling that if Rimmer found out he’d been made an officer it would cause some tension and he didn’t want that now when they seemed to be getting on so well.  Although he had managed to drop it into conversation with Kriss, who’d seemed a lot friendlier ever since.  He’d also - again to the captain’s surprise - turned down the offer of being moved to the officer’s quarters, stating that he’d rather continue to share with Rimmer.

            And so they’d settled into their new lives and routines.  Although Rimmer and Lister rarely saw each other during the day anymore, they always managed to make time to squabble in the evenings, and see the rest of the posse.  Most nights they would all meet up in the Copacabana bar on G deck for a drink and a chat.

            “I saw Krissie’s ex-boyfriend Tim again in the drive-room today and he gave me a really filthy look.  He doesn’t like me, man, I’m telling you,” Lister revealed one night before Kochanski arrived to join them.  “Well?” Rimmer replied, “You don’t like him either.”

“Yes, but that’s hardly...It doesn’t...Look, who’s side are you on anyway?  At least _I’m_ always civil.” 

            Rimmer, who hadn’t had this much of a social life since the arranged play-dates of nursery school, became rather taken with it; and to everyone’s combined delight and alarm was soon even able to out drink Lister on a good night.  

            “I lovesh yoo, Listy.  You’re my bestest bestest friend...”

“I know, I know...Come on, it’s not far now.  Try and hold it in for just another few...”

“Yeuchggh...”

“Oh, smegging hell.”

            And despite the aforementioned squabbling, Lister and Rimmer actually were just about ‘bestest’ friends; although not in a way that anyone would really notice.  They treasured their squabbles the way most friends enjoyed a game of footie in the park.  The difference between their relationship now and their relationship back before the accident was that the bitterness was gone.  Now it was just their own unique way of enjoying one another’s company.

            Although neither of them would have admitted it, they both knew that a lot of their new-found closeness had come from the time spent together in the Tank.  Often separated from the others, they had learned to stick close together as allies, knowing what might happen if they were picked out as easy targets...

            One night, Lister had suffered a frighteningly close call in the showers.  He had staggered back to their cell and dropped down shaking into the lower bunk.  Rimmer sat beside him as he blurted out what had happened; what had _almost _happened.  And as he talked, Rimmer had slowly realised that despite all the fuss he’d been making since they’d been stuck in this place and despite how terrified he’d been that something like this was going to happen to _him_, if anything Lister was probably in more danger than he was, simply because he was so much smaller. 

            It was something that had never occurred to him before.  Lister had always been the one to comfort and reassure _him_ when things like this happened, but it was starting to hit Rimmer that with the situation they were in, the boot might well be on the other foot if they weren’t careful.  For the first time in their whole relationship, Rimmer felt protective of his roommate.  They had promised each other that night, in soft whispers, that from that point on they would stay together; and if anything happened they would be there and they would look out for each other.

            And although they weren’t in the Tank anymore, it was a moment of closeness that had changed their relationship irreversibly and forever.  And a promise that neither of them had forgotten.


	2. Chapter 2

 

            People, on the whole, are shallow things.  Take our heroes for example.  Having settled back into life with the rest of the crew, it wasn’t long before thoughts of the Tank were fading fast from their memories. They didn’t forget as such; too much had happened for them to ever forget completely.  But it just went to the back of their minds, filed under ‘Things That Don’t Matter Anymore’.

            But, despite their complacence, down on Floor 13 the Tank was still very much in operation; and on one particular morning, unbeknownst to them as they happily went about their work, there was a Canary ship leaving the safety of Red Dwarf to explore a derelict picked up on the ship’s scanners.

            Having blasted their way in, the group split up to search the vessel.  As always, two people had been assigned the task of seeking out and gaining information from the ship’s mainframe computer; providing it was still operational.  On this particular mission, the job had been assigned to Alderton and Cummings.

            The dilapidated Drive Room was easy enough to find and they quickly set about the task of downloading everything stored on the mainframe, scanning through as they did so for anything that might tell them why the ship had crashed and whether it had been caused by anything that might affect Red Dwarf.

            After careful searching, they determined that the crash had been caused by a random engineering failure.  The only thing of note that had happened in the six months before the fatal accident was a series of killings on board.  The culprit had been identified and, as the ship was too small to house a prison system, placed into stasis pending trial on the ship’s return to Earth.  However, according to the computer, the stasis booths were no longer in operation; leading Alderton and Cummings to the conclusion that they must have been damaged in the crash, killing their homicidal occupant along with the rest of the unfortunate crew.

It did not occur to them to check how long the stasis booths had been out of action.  If they had, they would have seen that they had ceased to function at exactly the same time as the Canaries were disabling the ship’s security systems via a close-range bazookoid blast in order to gain entry to the vessel.  Which might have caused them to consider that the two systems might possibly have been linked.  Which would have made them a little more careful, as they rounded up their companions and sent them back to their transporter craft, to check that said homicidal maniac was not in fact alive and well.  And stowing away in the hold of their ship.


	3. Chapter 3

            Rimmer lay on his bunk and watched with a kind of weary exasperation as Lister bounced cheerfully around their quarters, getting ready to meet the others for a drink.  It was still early; Rimmer hadn’t technically even finished his shift yet, but as it had been a quiet day he’d wandered back early and flopped down on his bed, letting Lister do the talking for both of them.

            Lister had been incredibly bubbly the last couple of weeks and Rimmer knew why.  Kriss had allowed him to accompany her to the cinema last week and to a party in the Officer’s Club the week before that.  Although nothing had been said aloud, Rimmer knew everyone was expecting them to get back together.  Kriss was obviously chuffed with Lister’s new status on board, and Lister...well, everyone knew where he stood as far as Kristine Kochanski was concerned.  But Rimmer couldn’t help but feel slightly peeved; and he wasn’t sure why.

            A rather persistent nagging at the back of his head was muttering something along the lines that Kriss had never been that interested before Lister had been promoted, which bugged him.  It was also muttering something about Lister being in too good a mood recently to argue with him properly, which also bugged him.  But most of all was an overriding sense that _he_ was somehow losing something, and he couldn’t work out why.

            Lister, meanwhile, was seemingly oblivious of Rimmer’s grumpiness.  He pulled on a new pair of jeans and a t-shirt he’d bought earlier that day with his new, higher, wages and spritzed himself liberally with deodorant, whistling happily the whole time.  “Come on, Smeghead!  You better start getting ready,” he urged Rimmer, giving him a quick burst from the aerosol can with almost kittenish playfulness.  Rimmer waved him away moodily, “Stop that!  We’re not even going out for another two hours, for God’s sake!”

“So?” Lister was unperturbed.

“My shift doesn’t finish for another hour anyway.”

“Ah, smeg it.  They’re not going to call you out now.  Come ooo-on,” he wheedled.

            “I don’t know what you’re so happy about anyway,” Rimmer muttered, “Kriss isn’t coming tonight.  She’s working late.”

“I know,” Lister replied airily, “It doesn’t matter; we can have a boys’ night out.  It’ll be fun.”

“We’ll end up in the same old bar, Lister, doing exactly what we usually do and you know it.”

“What’s wrong with that?  I thought you liked it in the Copocabana.  We can go somewhere else if you want.”

            Rimmer scowled.  Lister was being much too reasonable.  “Maybe I don’t want to come out at all.  Did you think of that?”  Lister stared at him in surprise,

“Why don’t you want to come out?”

“Because even if Kriss isn’t there then you’ll spend the whole time talking about her!” Rimmer snapped.  Lister tipped his head to one side, “Rimmer...I know it’s difficult for you, but please try just for a moment not to be a smeghead, will you, man?”  Rimmer glared at him.  “What’s really bothering you?  Because we both know I don’t talk about Kriss _that_ much.”

“Yeah, well all that’s going to change soon, isn’t it?” Rimmer said sourly.

“Why?”

“Don’t give me that.  Everyone knows you two are...renewing your acquaintance.”

“Huh?” Lister stared at him blankly.

“You’re dating again!  And if you’re not now, then you soon will be!”

“Two questions, Rimmer.  Says who and so what?”

            Rimmer blinked, “You’re not actually denying it, are you?  For smeg’s sake, Lister, it doesn’t take a genius to add it up.  You’ve been going on dates, therefore you are dating.”

“Rimmer, we went to the cinema because we were bored and everyone else was still at work; and we went to the party together because we’d both been invited and it made sense.  Now, much as I’d like to believe she had ulterior motives for those occasions, I seriously doubt it.”

“So...” he faltered, “You’re not going to start going out again?”

“I might if she asked me but I’m not in a hurry to ask her,” Lister replied, “Because A: She dumped me last time and I would like to imagine I still have some pride left and B: Because she’s got a pretty sharp right hook and I don’t want to be on the receiving end of it again, thank you very much.”  Rimmer seemed mollified,

“Alright, I believe you.  I’m sorry I was a jerk about it.”

            Lister folded his arms and tapped his foot, “You still haven’t explained _why_ you were a jerk about it.  Does it really still bug you that much that I could have a girlfriend when you don’t?”

“No, of course not!”

“So...?”

“I don’t know!  I’m just feeling tired and grouchy and your peppiness was grating on me.”  He rounded on him defensively, “And why the hell are you so peppy today anyway?  If you’re not back together with Kriss then what is it?”

“Smegging hell!  Am I not even allowed to be cheerful anymore?” 

            Something in Rimmer’s head went _click_.  “And how come you were invited to a party at the Officer’s club?” he demanded.  Lister suddenly looked very sheepish.  “Erm...well...that’s because...” He thought desperately to try and come up with a convincing lie but took too long about it.  Rimmer got out of bed and stood up to face him, “Lister...” he asked softly, “Have you been promoted again?”

“Um...well, not so much _again_...” Lister mumbled awkwardly, “When Hollister made me Mission Co-ordinater, you see...”  He trailed off under Rimmer’s stare.

            “I don’t believe this,” Rimmer said quietly.

“Look, this is why I didn’t tell you!  I knew you’d get..._competitive_ about it!”

“Why’d they make you an officer and not me?” Rimmer demanded.

“Because I’ve been away and had six years experience of command and space survival and you haven’t?” Lister suggested, trying not to sound too patronising.  Rimmer bridled and changed the subject, “I can’t believe you lied to me!  All this time...!”

“I didn’t lie!” Lister protested, “I just didn’t tell you the whole truth.”

“That’s near enough to lying in my book.”

            Lister tried desperately to appease him, “Look, man, I only didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings!  I didn’t want things to change and I knew they would if you found out!”

“Well, I _have_ found out and it _has _changed things and you’ve still managed to hurt my feelings!” Rimmer shouted.  “I thought we were meant to stick together and now I find out that you’ve been making an utter fool out of me!  I mean, does everyone know except me?”

“No!  I asked Hollister to keep it quiet.  The only people who know are the people I work with and the rest of the posse.  As far as everyone else on this ship is concerned I’m still a technician, just like you, only with a different job.  Nobody’s been laughing at you.” 

            Rimmer stared at him, “I suppose that should make me feel better; but it doesn’t.  I wish you’d just told me.”

“I’m sorry, man.  I really am.” Lister said and, to his own surprise, he felt his eyes welling up.

 “I trusted you, you know.  More than anyone.  I thought you were my b...” Rimmer paused before saying it, as though shocked by his own revelation.  “My best friend,” he said finally and suddenly found there was a rather large lump in his throat. 

“I still am,” Lister said weakly, taking a step towards him.  Rimmer shook his head.

             “There’s always going to be something, isn’t there?” he said dejectedly; “Whether it’s your new Officer buddies, or Kriss, or some other bloody woman, there’s always going to be _something_.”  

“That’s not fair!” Lister choked out.  “I haven’t ditched you for anyone since we were let out of the Brig!  Not for new friends and not for Kriss or anybody else!  And I’m not going to either!  I don’t see why I can’t have a girlfriend and still have friends too!  You and Kryten both are just going to have to learn to deal with it, because I’m sick of being made to choose all the time!”

“Well, you’re all I’ve got and I’m sick of having to share you!” Rimmer shouted, stepping towards him. 

“You don’t have to share me!” Lister shouted back, “You’ve got me!  For God’s sake!  You’re one of the most important people in my life!  One of the most important people there’s ever _been_ in my whole life!”

“Well, that’s not enough!”

“What more do you _want_ from me?”

“_Everything!_”

            It was only when they’d both stopped in shock at what he’d just shouted that they realised they’d been shouting at all.  “What?” Lister asked tremulously, in a very small voice.  “I don’t want to just be _one _of the most important people in your life,” Rimmer said, his voice choked with tears and too much yelling.  “I want...I want...”

“What?” Lister whispered, closing the final inches of distance between them, “What _do_ you want, Rimmer?”

            One moment they were looking searchingly into each others eyes, the next moment their eyes were closed and their noses were touching and then...

            BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

            They jumped in shock as a piercing alarm rang out through the taut silence.  In the space of a nanosecond they’d managed to move about three feet apart.  It was Rimmer’s pager.  He was still on duty.  He snatched it out of his pocket and stared at the message; wondering when his heart rate was going to return to normal.  There was a faulty soup dispenser a few floors up that needed fixing.

            He shoved the pager back into his pocket and looked up at Lister, who hadn’t moved and was wearing an expression a lot like a small mammal’s on Firework Night.  “I’ve got to go,” Rimmer said simply.

“Okay,” Lister replied quickly, without blinking.  Rimmer marched over to the door and opened it, then stopped just before walking out and turned back to face Lister.  He was standing very still in the centre of the room, hugging himself.  Rimmer took a deep breath.  “We’ll talk when I get back, okay?” he said seriously.  He saw Lister take a deep breath as well and nod slowly.  “Okay.”

            There didn’t seem to be anything else to say.  Rimmer went.


	4. Chapter 4

            Lister sank down onto the edge of the bunk, his heart beating frantically.  He couldn’t even think clearly enough to close the door behind Rimmer.  He couldn’t believe what had just happened.  He let out a shaky breath.  This was so strange.  It was like something out of the Twilight Zone.  One minute everything had been nice and normal, just the stupid pointless bickering they did every day, and then...something had changed and it hadn’t been normal anymore.  Somehow it had turned into a proper argument and then...it was like the air between them had got thicker, hotter.  He couldn’t understand how they’d ended up standing so close to each other.  Surely when Rimmer had moved towards him that way he hadn’t actually been going to...Surely he himself would have moved away if he’d thought...He wouldn’t have just stood there and let his roommate...kiss him.

            He realised he was gnawing on his fingernails, the way he always did when perplexed by something, and made himself stop.  He wouldn’t think about it.  Maybe they could pretend it never happened.  He couldn’t imagine that Rimmer had meant what he’d said...like that.  It was ridiculous to think that Rimmer might feel...that way...about him.  Or that _he_ might feel that way about...

            Lister stood up sharply and started to pace the room.  He loved _Kriss_.  Of course he did.  He always had done.  And although what he’d told Rimmer about the party was true, he’d fibbed a bit about their trip to the cinema.  It hadn’t been official as such, but they had both known that it was a date. And it had been great!  They’d had fun together!  Okay, there hadn’t been much...spark, but surely that was only because they were so comfortable with each other now.  They were closer than they had ever been.  She was one of his best......friends.

            Lister stopped and stared at the wall.  It was true, wasn’t it?  He _did_ still love Kriss, but not the way he had done.  He thought back to when during the film she’d yawned and settled her head on his shoulder.  A year ago his heart would have done somersaults and leapt into his throat at that.  He would have sneakily tried to put his arm around her.  But he’d just leaned his head back against hers and taken the opportunity to nick some of her popcorn.

            No, he hadn’t felt that way about Kriss in a long time.  In fact he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt like that with anyone.  Unless...

            His mind went back to a night not so long ago.  A night in the Brig.  The lights were out and everyone was in bed, but he was still awake, and he was shaken and frightened and angry all at the same time.  But there was someone with him in the darkness.  Someone who cared and was worried and wanted more than anything for him to be okay.  And he’d wanted so much, _so much_, for that person to reach out and hold him tight and block out the horribleness around them.  But instead there had just been a voice whispering tenderly that they were there for him, would always be there.  _We’ll get through this together, you’ll see.  It will be okay.  _The next morning he’d felt a lot better and until now he’d never remembered how badly he’d wanted Rimmer to touch him that night.  Or how badly _he’d _wanted to touch him.  And not just as a friend seeking reassurance and comfort.  But Rimmer hadn’t; and Lister hadn’t been able to work up the courage to ask.       

             Perhaps it was inevitable that those unfulfilled feelings should go full circle and come creeping back for satisfaction.  There was no point in lying to himself and Lister knew that if Rimmer had kissed him just now he wouldn’t have stopped him.  He didn’t know what might have happened afterwards, but he wasn’t entirely sure that mattered.  They would’ve found out together, either way. 

            He shook his head.  He couldn’t have imagined when he woke up this morning that he’d be thinking these thoughts right now.  But he was.  And if Rimmer, when he came back, had been thinking the same things then, well...then he’d be thinking seriously about how his relationship with the man who’d been his best friend, worst enemy, roommate and constant companion for the past six years might be about to change.  He supposed the thought ought to terrify him, but it didn’t.  It really didn’t.  Now that he was thinking clearly, the thought actually made him feel...kind of happy.

            He went to the sink and turned the taps on full blast.  He had a drink, then splashed some water on his face.  _This is all so crazy but I wish to God that smegging pager hadn’t gone off.  We could have been sorting all this out right now.  Instead I’ve got to sit here waiting and getting myself all worked up..._  He turned around and jumped.  There was a man standing in the middle of the room, staring at him.  For a moment he couldn’t work out how he’d managed to get in, but then he remembered the open door.

            “Oh my God!” Lister laughed, “You scared the hell out of me!  I didn’t see you...come in...”  He trailed off slightly as the man began to walk silently towards him and he realised that there was something not right.  His eyes seemed totally focused on Lister but not as if he were seeing him.  As if he were seeing something else; some kind of animal perhaps.  There was nothing in his expression to show he realised he was looking at another person; no sign of communication.  Lister took a cautious step backwards.  “Lock,” The man ordered in a heavy rough voice and the door hummed shut.

                                                                                  ***

 Rimmer hurried down the corridor, his head buzzing.  Part of him was trying to focus on work, what tools he needed to pick up, where he needed to go, what the quickest route was.  But another part of his brain was screaming at him; _The__ hell with work! What the smeg do you think you’re playing at?  He would’ve kissed you!  This is your chance!  Get back in there and tell him how you feel!  Do it now!_

He squashed the voice down and kept walking.  If he went running back now, he’d look desperate and foolish.  He’d said they’d talk later and Lister had agreed.  That would have to do.  They had all evening to sort this out properly; there was no point in rushing things now and ending up saying the wrong thing.  Besides, that clogged nozzle on C deck wouldn’t fix itself.

                                                                                  ***

            The next thing Lister knew, he was on the floor and his face hurt.  He was stunned.  Lister had been in a fair few fights in his life and he’d never felt a punch like that; never been just floored with one blow.  He looked up just in time to see the man drop to his knees on top of him and his fist come towards him.  Lister flung his forearm up to block the blow, and yelled in pain as he felt it break.  The sound didn’t last long.  At first he didn’t feel any pain; just a sense of impact and the crunch of bones sliding, snapping.  Then a blast of agony through his face like a fiery wind and he knew his jaw was broken.  He tried to scream and couldn’t open his mouth.  Blood poured out from between his lips and he choked.

            Another blow, this time to his ribs, and now Lister knew that he was in serious trouble.  This man wasn’t just trying to beat him up; he was trying to kill him.  He started to try and crawl away, but the pain in his side was too much and he only had one working arm.  The man stood up and Lister had no time to shield himself before he was kicked hard in the stomach.  He doubled over, with no choice but to try and ignore the pain in his jaw as he strained for oxygen. 

            When he opened his eyes again, the man was standing above him.  There was a large knife in his hand. 

                                                                                       ***

        Rimmer finished up work on the vending machine and packed his tools away with relief.  No matter how hard he tried to keep his mind on the job in hand he couldn’t help himself.  His thoughts kept going back to Lister and what had happened. He thought desperately about what he could say to him when he got back.  His mind was so tangled by now, he couldn’t even work out who had initiated the ‘almost’ kiss, so didn’t know if he should try and apologise or what.  At least he could get back now and they could start sorting everything out.  As he stood up, his beeper went off again.  He pulled it angrily out of his pocket and glared at it in disbelief.  There was a bloody plumbing leak on Floor 58.  It would take him twenty minutes to get there and god knew how much longer to fix it.  He sighed deeply.  Lister would have to wait for now and Rimmer wasn’t sure how beneficial that might be for the situation.  Although Lister hadn’t seemed angry or actually all that shaken really when he left, he knew well enough how much some thinking time could have changed that.  In all honesty, he knew he had no idea anymore what Lister might be thinking or feeling right now.

                                                                                        ***

            By now, he had closed his eyes to what was happening.  He lay still, his eyes shut fast, trying to keep breathing; praying desperately that someone would come.  That someone would save him.  Or if not then at least that it would all be over quickly.  The man was on top of him; pinning him down to the floor with one hand locked around his throat so he had no air to scream for help, and the other still gripping the knife.  His trousers were down around his knees; Lister’s clothes were strewn across the room, little left of them but rags.  There was a sharp, driving pain; and again he tried to scream and couldn’t. 

            It shouldn’t have mattered to him.  At this moment, lying on the floor spewing up blood, with his shattered ribs tearing his insides apart, his broken arm lying useless beside him and his jaw in the wrong place, he shouldn’t have cared.  This should have seemed a picnic compared to what this man could, and indeed had already done to him in terms of pain and damage. 

            But it mattered.  God damn it, _it mattered_.  Something very bad started to happen in his ribcage as the man thrust into him.  He started choking and his face was pushed roughly to one side.  His vision was hazy now, from pain and shock; but he could see on the floor next to him, the fluid he’d coughed up was red. 

            _“Look at me, you dirty little fuck.”  _Lister looked up at the face in front of him, looked into the eyes boring into him and knew that he was going to die.  Not quickly, not easily, but slowly and painfully because he knew that there was no amount of pain that he could feel that would ever satisfy this man.  The only thing that would suffice was his life.

Lister didn’t see it happen.  But when the knife was jammed into his side, he knew what it was.  He closed his eyes and let his head fall back.  So, this was it.  He felt the blade ram through him again and moaned weakly.  There was nothing else he could do.  By the time the man finally reached orgasm and collapsed weakly on top of him, Lister was no longer conscious.  And the sleeping quarters were barely recognisable under the blood.


	5. Chapter 5

            Rimmer wandered down the corridor back to the sleeping quarters.  He wondered whether Lister was still up, if they would finally talk.  Now he would find out if the moment had passed or if, like him, Lister had spent the evening waiting.

            He placed his palm on the scanner; his mind still playing over what he might find when he stepped inside his quarters.  Perhaps Lister would be waiting for him.  Perhaps he’d decided to skip the discussion and he’d be waiting for him in bed...

            What Rimmer found when the door opened was not anything he could have expected or possibly been prepared for.  However, it was something that would stay with him forever.  No matter how hard he tried to forget.

            _Red_.  At first that was all Rimmer’s mind could grasp.  He blinked slowly and stared at the scarlet-stained landscape in front of him.  There was a lot...of...red.  As he looked harder, he started to make out familiar shapes.  Beneath the red on the far wall he could just see some patches of reflective brilliance that told him their mirror was under there.  In one corner there was a small black island sticking up from the crimson wash that he recognised as one of Lister’s trainers, lying on its side.  And in the middle of the room, was a crumpled, forlorn heap on the floor. 

            Rimmer took a faltering step forward and looked more closely.  His brain couldn’t quite grasp what he was seeing, couldn’t make sense of it.  Although in his heart he already knew.  He knew...

            It was like one of those trick pictures of a vase that with an almost imperceptible shift inside the brain becomes a picture of two faces in profile.  One moment Rimmer was staring at an abstract simulacrum of their sleeping quarters that he couldn’t quite understand.  The next, his brain had shifted...and he could see...

            He drew in a deep, strained breath that was almost a scream and whirled for the door.  “HELP!  SOMEBODY HELP!  HELP!”

            A few people started to stick their heads out of their doors in bewilderment.  Rimmer grabbed hold of Saunders, who lived in the quarters next to theirs.  “Call for the paramedics!  Now!” he shouted.

“Wh...What?” Saunders stammered, “Why?”

“Just do it!” Rimmer turned and ran back into his rooms.  He dropped to his knees beside Lister and grabbed his hand, feeling frantically for a pulse in his wrist.  There was a scream from the doorway, but he didn’t notice.  He was focused on one thing and one alone.  And then...a flutter.  A tiny weak flutter.  Rimmer sighed and closed his eyes in tearful relief.  “You’re alive.” He whispered, more to himself than anything, “You’re still alive...”

“Jesus Christ!”

            Rimmer looked up and saw a group of paramedics from the medi-bay standing aghast in the doorway.  They ran over and Rimmer was pulled out of the way as they gathered around Lister’s motionless form.  “He’s alive!” Rimmer said desperately, “You can still save him; he’s alive!” 

            He was barely aware of being pulled out of the room, until someone took a firm hold of his shoulders and turned him round.  He just had time to take in the dark blue uniform before he was being handcuffed and dragged away down the corridor, “You’re coming with us, matey.”  It took Rimmer a moment to click.

“No!” he shouted, “You’ve got it wrong!  I didn’t do it!”

“Well, we’ll find that out soon enough, but until we know what’s what, you’re going to be staying with us!”

“But Lister...!”  He twisted round to see more uniformed medics running into the room with equipment; shouting.  The security officer pulled him back, “That’s out of your hands now.  And from what I saw in that room, mate, I think it’s probably out of theirs.” 


	6. Chapter 6

 

            Andrea Millens was a Navigation Officer.  She knew and worked with Kochanski up in the Drive Room and they’d always got on well.

            At this particular moment she was in the lift, making her way down to her sleeping quarters on Floor 73.  As the lift slowed down to pick someone else up, she prepared to move over for whoever was getting in, and was shocked when the door opened and she was shooed out by a crowd of paramedics with a trolley stretcher.  There were so many of them buzzing around it, she couldn’t even see who was on there; but she could tell that whatever was happening was serious.

            As the lift moved off, she noticed that there were still a fair number of onlookers lingering at the scene, gossiping in voices of horrified disbelief.  She caught sight of a guy called Paul she knew from her Tai-kwon-do classes talking to another man she didn’t know and went over to try and get some information.

            “Hey!  What’s going on?” She asked when she was close enough.  Paul shook his head, “Christ, you wouldn’t believe it!  There’s been an attack on our floor!  This guy’s been completely slashed up.  He’s still alive, but no-one reckons it’s going to be for long.  I think we’re going to have a murder investigation underway.”

“Oh my God!”  Andrea was shocked.  Nothing like this had ever happened before in her whole time with the JMC.  The screening process for the job, even for the lowest ranks, tended to weed out anyone with a history of aggressive behaviour.  It was practically unheard of for violent crimes to take place on these voyages.  “Who was it?” she asked tentatively, “The victim, I mean.”

“Lister.”

            Andrea caught her breath.  “_Dave_ Lister?”

“Yeah.  They’ve arrested his roommate, Rimmer.  Do you know them?” he asked, concerned.  “Yes!  I mean...no.  Well, not really but...Oh shit, I’ve got to find Kristine and tell her what’s happening!”  She took off down the corridor to find another lift.

           

            Kriss was in the Drive Room working through some co-ordinates when Andrea finally came bursting in.  “Kriss!”  Everyone in the immediate vicinity looked round in surprise at the sudden commotion.  “Andi?  What the hell’s wrong?” Kochanski asked, alarmed at her normally quiet friend’s outburst.

            Andrea, who’d run through about a mile’s worth of corridors from the lift, dropped down to her knees in front of Kristine’s chair and reached up to squeeze her hands while she got her breath back.  “Kriss...I’m so sorry...” she panted, “I’ve got something awful to tell you.  It’s Dave...”  She saw the colour disappear from Kochanski’s cheeks at once.  “I don’t know exactly what’s happened, but he’s been attacked and I think it’s bad.  Really bad.  I saw them taking him to the medi-bay...”

            Kochanski was already on her feet and reaching for her jacket, “Who did it?” she demanded.  “I’m not sure,” Andrea stammered, “But apparently they’ve arrested Rimmer.”

“WHAT?”  Kriss ran her fingers back through her hair and Andrea could see she was shaking.  “This is crazy,” she said to nobody in particular, “I’m going to sort this out!”  She took off and sped out of the Drive Room at a run.

 


	7. Chapter 7

            If Kochanski had known exactly how bad Lister’s condition was, she would have gone straight to the medi-bay and contacted Kryten to go and fight Rimmer’s corner while she stayed with Dave.  Andrea had held back the extent of his injuries for two reasons; the first being that she only had it on hearsay that they were life-threatening and didn’t want to upset Kriss without reason if it turned out to be sensationalist gossip; the second being that if it _was_ true then it would be better to break it to her gently, rather than drop it on her straight away.  Anyhow, for better or worse, Kriss made the decision to find out what had happened to Rimmer first and see if she could help him out of this mess.

            She banged on the door of the interrogation room and, after her initial surprise that it was Captain Hollister himself who answered it, felt the first stab of real dread as she realised how serious this must be. “Kristine,” he frowned slightly, “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I know, Sir and I’m sorry; but you have to listen to me!” She said desperately, pushing her way in.  Through the two-way mirror she could see Rimmer sat at the table being questioned by two officers.  He looked utterly crushed.  She turned to Hollister, “I know Rimmer’s a pain in the ass but I swear he’d never do anything like this!”

“Kristine,” Hollister sighed but she wasn’t finished.

“Sir, please!  Just listen to me!”

“I’m sorry, Kristine, but we have to do this by the book!” Hollister said firmly, “Saunders said he heard them arguing...”

“They’re always arguing!” Kriss said impatiently, then realised that probably wasn’t her best defence.  “Look, I know they squabble all the time but it doesn’t mean anything!  Deep down they’re really fond of each other!  Rimmer would never hurt Dave!”

“Be that as it may, we have to look into it.  Saunders said he heard them arguing, then everything went quiet suddenly and a few minutes later Rimmer rushed out in a hurry.  You have to admit it’s suspicious.”

            A phone on the wall started to ring and Hollister picked it up, “Yeah?”  His expression changed and he blinked.  “Really?  Okay, then.  I’ll come right up.”  He hung up and turned back to Kochanski, “Wait there.  I won’t be long.”

“What’s going on?”

“That’s what I’m going to find out.”

            Twenty minutes later he was back.  He blew out a heavy breath.  “Well, Kristine, it seems you’re right.  That was Todhunter.  We’ve been over the black box footage and it wasn’t Rimmer who attacked Lister.  Bad news is we don’t know who it was.  It wasn’t a registered member of the crew.”

“What?  How is that possible?”

“I don’t know but it means that somebody’s managed to slip past security and I intend to find out how.”  He banged on the door separating the two rooms and one of the officers opened it.  “Okay, guys, you can ease off,” Hollister told them, “We’ve got the wrong guy.”

            Rimmer jumped to his feet, “I can go?”

“You can go,” Hollister confirmed, “I’m sorry about this, but you understand the situation...”  Rimmer ignored him,

“What about Lister?  Where is he?  What’s happening?”  Hollister looked at him sympathetically, “The doctors are doing what they can,” he said gently, “I’m sure you’ll both want to be getting down there now to be with him.”

            As they raced down to the medi-bay, Kriss explained to Rimmer what Hollister had told her; that they’d seen on the black box footage that he hadn’t done it.  Rimmer said nothing to her, but after his initial relief at the news, another thought struck him.  When Hollister had looked at him with such pity back in the interrogation room he’d assumed it was because he felt bad about the whole wrongful arrest thing.  But then he realised, if they’d been watching the footage of what had been going on in their quarters that afternoon, Hollister and Todhunter had probably seen more than just who attacked Lister.  They’d probably also seen what had happened right before Rimmer had been dragged away by that damn page. 

            They’d seen them almost kiss.    


	8. Chapter 8

            Nearly two hours later, Kochanski and the Cat were pacing anxiously up and down on opposite sides of the corridor outside the medi-bay.  Rimmer and Kryten were sitting quietly in a couple of the hard plastic chairs lined against the wall, trying not to watch them.  Rimmer’s face was still very white and he’d said almost nothing since being released from custody.  From what the others had managed to piece together, they were very surprised he hadn’t fainted.  Usually just the thought of blood was enough to send Rimmer swooning backwards; if Lister was really as badly hurt as Andrea had suggested...

            “I hate this!” Kriss burst out suddenly, making everyone jump.  She hadn’t cried, not yet at least, but her voice was shaky and a lot higher pitched than usual; her distress clear in every syllable.  “Why won’t anyone tell us what’s happening?  Why haven’t they sent a doctor to talk to us?”

            Rimmer had a very good idea why they hadn’t sent a doctor out to reassure them.  They probably needed every doctor they could get their hands on in there right now.  With unusual sensitivity, he decided that this probably wasn’t the best time to share that knowledge.  Kriss, however, wasn’t about to give up.  “For God’s sake,” she rounded on him, “You found him!  You must have some idea what’s going on!”

            Rimmer looked up at her, and when he spoke, his voice was strangely empty.  “All I can tell you,” he said, “Is that he was still just about alive when they took him out and they would have told us by now if he was dead.  As for what they’re doing for him...” he shrugged helplessly, “God knows.  I don’t understand what can have happened to him.  I’ve never seen...” he trailed off, his eyes going glassy and dark.  He couldn’t finish.  “_What?_” Kriss demanded.  She was starting to lose it.  “Please, just tell me!”

“He...he...” Rimmer’s mind whispered to him the words he couldn’t get out.  _He looked like what’s left of an antelope after the lions are finished with it._

            He bit down on his lip.  He couldn’t say that to Kriss right now.  To any of them.  “He’s lost a lot of blood,” he finally said limply.  Kryten and the Cat gazed down at the floor.  They’d heard the significance of what Rimmer hadn’t said. 

            Kriss’s breath started to hitch in her throat; and she crumpled down into a chair with her face in her hands as the tears finally came.

            They lost track of how long they sat there in the corridor, waiting.  But finally, after what seemed an eternity, a middle-aged doctor in a white coat crept through the doors and looked at his clipboard.  “Mr Rimmer?”

            Rimmer got to his feet immediately.  The doctor nodded.  “Could you come through to my office, please.”

“Whatever you’ve got to say, we’d like to hear it too,” Kriss told him.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, I really am,” The doctor seemed genuinely sympathetic, “But I am only authorised to speak to Mr Rimmer.  It will be up to him how much he tells you when we’re done.”

            Rimmer followed the man into a small neat office a little way down the corridor and took the seat offered to him at the desk.  “Here,” the doctor poured him a glass of water, “Have some of this.”

“He’s dead, isn’t he?” Rimmer said brokenly, ignoring the cup being pushed towards him.  He could feel his eyes stinging, ready to let loose the flood.

“No,” the doctor told him gently, “Lister is not dead.  Now take a deep breath and drink some water and I’ll tell you what’s happening.”  Rimmer obeyed meekly.    “Now then,” the doctor continued, when he seemed calmer, “I won’t pretend everything is absolutely fine because it won’t help anyone; and as the captain tells me that it was you who raised the alarm in the first place, I don’t think there would be much point anyway.  You must know the severity of the situation.  Lister has four broken ribs, a broken jaw, a punctured lung, a fracture in his right forearm, severe bruising and swelling across his face, throat and entire body and around fifteen knife wounds to his upper arms, torso and abdomen; some deep stab wounds and others just cuts.  However,” he finally gave him a small, encouraging smile, “I can also tell you that Lister is now out of surgery and seems to be doing well.”

 “You mean,” Rimmer’s eyes widened.  He hardly dared hope... “He’s going to be okay?”

“I can’t promise anything yet,” the doctor admitted cautiously, “We’re still monitoring him closely.  It’s not unheard of for complications to arise post-op; especially in cases this extreme, when the body’s been through such trauma. ut all his vital signs are good and we are optimistic that with time he will make a full recovery.”  

            Rimmer let out a deep breath that it felt like he’d been holding for hours; and with the release came the tears.  “He’s going to be okay,” he repeated joyfully, “He’s really going to be okay.”

“Mr Rimmer,” the doctor interrupted gravely, “You have to understand that even if Lister does recover well from his injuries, there are other matters at stake here which are just as serious.”  Rimmer wiped his eyes and looked at him, confused,

“What do you mean?”

            The doctor paused and shifted uncomfortably in his chair.  “What I’m about to tell you is confidential, Mr Rimmer.  I don’t suppose I can stop you from telling your friends outside if you really decide you need to; but before you do, I would like you to consider that the only reason you yourself are receiving this information is because Lister has no family or long-term partner onboard this ship, and the captain has decided that as his roommate and closest friend, you are the best person to be told.  And although it does breach patient confidentiality to a certain extent, I do agree with Captain Hollister that it is important for Lister’s well-being once he leaves the medical unit that somebody close to him knows these things.”

            Rimmer tried to hold back a scoff and failed.  “Just a few hours ago they were convinced that I’d tried to kill him; and now that it’s convenient they’ve decided that, actually, we’re practically family.  The two-faced bastards.”

“I understand your frustration, Mr Rimmer, and I know you must have been upset by the...mistakes...that were made earlier this evening but you need to put those feelings aside for the moment, because this is very serious.”  Rimmer took this on board and focused, “What is it I need to know?”

“Now, I know this is shocking and you may well find it upsetting,” the doctor said softly, “I’m sorry that there’s nothing I can say that will make it any easier for you, so I’m going to be frank.  During surgery we realised the full extent of Lister’s condition. It quickly became clear that as well as the extensive damage caused by the beating and the knife wounds, he had also suffered internal injuries from a violent sexual assault.”         

            The words hit Rimmer like an avalanche.  “What do you mean?” he demanded.  “I’m saying,” the doctor continued gently, “That at some point during the attack, Lister was raped by his assailant.”

            At first there was just a bleak feeling of emptiness; and then the black clouds of rage started to rumble across the plains of Rimmer’s mind, hurling thunder and spitting lightning as they went.  And the worst part was that he couldn’t let it show.  He gripped the sides of his chair in a death-lock as the doctor’s voice droned on meaningless reassurances, “...he may not even have been conscious when it happened...won’t know for certain what he remembers until he wakes up...”

            But Rimmer knew a few things for certain.  Hollister _had_ seen what had happened between him and Lister when he’d looked back over the black box recording.  That was why he’d thought it was so important that Rimmer should know what this..._monster_ had done.  He obviously thought Rimmer had a right to know what had been done to his ‘boyfriend’.  

            Suddenly, Rimmer hated them all.  Hollister for his presumptuous pity, this doctor for his utter obliviousness to the significance of what he’d just told him, and most of all the creature who was still roaming round this ship somewhere.  For hurting Lister.  For taking what he’d always wanted from Lister.  And, Rimmer was absolutely sure, taking away any remaining chance that he might have had it.


	9. Chapter 9

            While Rimmer walked back down to the others, he debated over how much he should tell them.  Part of him felt that he had a duty to let them know everything; after all, due to the strange circumstances he’s been resurrected in, they’d actually known Lister longer than he had.  Surely that gave them some kind of right...

            As he rounded the corner of the corridor, they saw him and all three stood up and faced him with identical expressions of hope and dread.  Rimmer looked at them and knew immediately that although it was unfair, as much as they deserved to know, he couldn’t tell them.  In his heart, he knew that Lister would never ever want them to find out what had happened to him.  And if he was wrong, well, Lister could tell them himself when he was ready. 

            “They think he’s going to be okay,” Rimmer said simply.  “He’s not come round yet but he’s out of surgery and they think he’ll be alright.”  Kriss sagged down into one of the chairs with relief, half-crying, half-laughing.  The Cat beamed, “Hey!  The monkey’s tougher than we thought!”

“Did the doctor tell you anything about his condition, Sir?” Kryten asked, still anxious.  Rimmer repeated most of what the doctor had told him, telling them as much as he could remember about Lister’s injuries.  Kriss shook her head,tearfully, “Poor Dave.  I wish they would let us see him.”

“The doctor said we could drop by tomorrow evening; as long as we don’t disturb him or make too much fuss.  They’re expecting him to wake up sometime tomorrow morning but he might well be asleep again by the time we come down.  He’s going to need as much rest as possible.”  They nodded glumly in agreement.

            “What about you?” Rimmer asked, “Have you heard anything from security yet?  Have they caught him?”  Kriss shook her head,

“There was an announcement a little while ago telling everyone not to go anywhere alone and to make sure that all doors are locked tonight before bed.  I assume that means they haven’t caught him.”

“Fantastic,” Rimmer said bitterly.

“He can’t hide for long,” Kriss reminded him, “The ship’s only so big.  They’ll find him eventually.”

“How eventually?  This place has got enough floors, holds, ducts and air-vents for him to give them the run-around almost indefinitely!”  Kriss sighed dismally,

“I hope you’re wrong.  I really do.”

            Kryten took in the miserable expressions around him and - denied from fussing over the person he most wanted to - made the most of fussing over them instead.  “Look at the time!  It’s nearly two in the morning!  Come on now.  Off to bed with you all.  It’s been a difficult day and you all need some sleep.  Come on!  No excuses!”  He shooed them away down the corridor.

            Up in the Captain’s Office, there was no time for sleep yet.  Hollister, Todhunter and three other officers were crowded around the desk.  “Are we taking a roll call tonight to make sure everyone’s accounted for?” Hollister demanded, “We need to make sure that nobody other than Lister’s been attacked.  If anybody’s missing...”

“Holly’s already taken a roll call and everyone signed in.  He’s even counted the squirrels in the Botanical Gardens.  I don’t think we’re going to get any more nasty surprises tonight.”

“Good,” Hollister relaxed a little.  “Now we just need to work out how the bastard got here in the first place and find out where he’s hiding himself.”


	10. Chapter 10

            Lister was in pain.  He didn’t know why, but he felt like he’d been thrown down a long flight of steps.  From the top of the Eiffel Tower perhaps.  He seemed to ache all over.  He opened his eyes groggily and saw nothing but white.  Was he dead?  What had happened to him?

            And then...a part of his brain started to wake up...and suddenly the memories were there in front of his eyes.  He saw the knife, the pools of blood – _his_ blood – on the floor and a scrap of what had been his t-shirt crumpled under the table a few feet away; he remembered the pain, the terror and through it all the face that stared down at him while it did terrible...awful things...

            Where the hell was he?  Was that man still here somewhere, waiting for him to wake up?  He had to get away!  He tried to move and the pain that flashed through his body like an electric shock sent violet spots dancing in front of his eyes.  He tried to scream and couldn’t, because there was something wrong with his mouth.  Panic grabbed him and he began to hyperventilate.  Then all of a sudden there were people leaning over him, babbling crazily, “It’s okay, Dave...Just relax...You’re safe now...It’s all okay...Oxygen...”

            Someone put a mask over his face and he sucked in a lungful of icy cold air that hurt his chest.  Slowly, he felt his heart rate beginning to slow, his breathing deepen and then, a few moments later, the mask was lifted away.  “Easy now...There, that’s better.”

            The crowd seemed to have gone.  Now there were just two men, one doctor and one nurse, he guessed, looking down at him with kindly concern.  “Now, don’t try to talk just yet.  Your jaw’s been broken and if you’re not careful the wires will pull out, which won’t be fun for anyone, trust me.”

            So he was in hospital.  That glowing white was the ceiling above him.  He was alive.  “I think we’ll start with the basics for now,” the doctor continued, “Are you in any pain?”  Lister nodded weakly.  “Okay.  James here will make up a dose of morphine and that should help.  Second question, I’m afraid, has to be this.”  He looked down at him sympathetically, “Do you remember any of what happened to you?”  Lister nodded.  “Everything?”

            Lister paused, and for a moment the doctor wasn’t sure if he was going to answer him.  But then he nodded again.  The doctor sighed.  He’d been afraid of that. 

 

            Rimmer spent the day in something of a daze.  Although he had been offered some time off to deal with the events of the night before, he hadn’t taken it.  He’d gone about his duties on Z-shift more or less on auto-pilot, simply to try and keep busy.  He just wanted to see Lister.  But then...he didn’t know if Lister wanted to see him.  After what had just happened to him, Rimmer wouldn’t be surprised if Lister never wanted to be touched by another man again, least of all in the way that Rimmer wanted.  On the other hand, maybe Lister would have forgotten all about what had happened.  And maybe, in the circumstances, that would be for the best...

 

            Lister lay in his bed, listening stoically as the doctor explained to him what treatment he was going to be receiving over the next few weeks.  To put it bluntly, Lister did not give a rat’s ass.  Why weren’t the others here with him?  Didn’t they know what had happened?  Surely Rimmer must have realised something was....

            _Rimmer.___

Another memory boomeranged its way into the forefront of his consciousness.  They’d had an argument.  And then in the middle of shouting at each other they had ...he’d almost...And then that stupid pager had gone off and Rimmer had left.  _We’ll talk when I get back, okay?_  Only he hadn’t been there when Rimmer got back, had he?           

            Lister closed his eyes despairingly.  Rimmer must have thought he’d got cold feet and done a runner.  He must be so hurt and confused...Lister made a mental note to destroy that pager as soon as he got out of this place.  If it hadn’t been for that goddamn fucking thing then not only could they have sorted everything out right then and there, but Rimmer wouldn’t have left and he wouldn’t have been there...on his own...with the door wide open...and his head in the clouds...and a ridiculously easy target for anyone who might be roaming the ship looking for somebody to torture.

            “David?  Are you alright?”  He looked up as the doctor addressed him.  “Would you like a rest?”  Yes, he would, but he didn’t think he could possibly get any.  For a start, he was worried now that Rimmer might be angry with him.  And he had no way of reaching him to let him know what had happened.  And besides that, much as he hated it, he was terrified of going to sleep.  He had a horrible feeling he knew what would be waiting for him; lurking in his dreams like Freddy Krueger.  He didn’t want to fall asleep and find himself back in that room, back on the floor with that face filling all his vision and praying to die quickly so the pain would stop.


	11. Chapter 11

            Rimmer met Kochanski and Cat by the vending machines outside the medi-bay at seven; and after a few moments they were joined by Kryten.  They didn’t speak much.  They were all worried about what they might see tonight.  The four of them made their way to the reception desk and were waved through.  In the ward, Rimmer spotted the doctor he’d spoken to the night before standing over a bed at the far end with a clipboard, making some notes.  The doctor looked up, gave a small smile and came over to join them.  “How is he?” Kriss asked immediately.

“He’s sleeping right now,” the doctor replied, “However he did come round this morning for a little while and seemed quite well, all things considered; but he was, understandably, very weak.  You can sit with him for a little while if you like, but don’t wake him up.  He’s still quite distressed and I had to give him a little something to help send him off.”

            They crept over to his bed.  Rimmer and Kochanski took the chairs either side of him, and Kryten and Cat hovered by his feet.  Rimmer hadn’t been quite sure what to expect.  The last time he’d seen Lister, he’d been hardly recognisable beneath a welter of blood and a half-smashed face.  But now he saw with relief, that with the blood cleaned away and his jaw wired back into place, Lister didn’t look too bad apart from some slight bruising and puffiness.  His right arm was bandaged in a cast and a sling, but Rimmer knew that most of the damage was hidden beneath the covers and the soft cotton pyjamas he was dressed in.  Even when the wounds healed, Lister was going to have a scar collection to rival Tonto the Tiger Tamer.

            Kriss leaned over him and sniffled, gently stroking his good hand.  “I know he needs to rest,” she said softly, “But I wish he could open his eyes just for a second and know that we’re all here with him.  He must have been so scared waking up here all by himself...”

“Don’t, Kriss,” Rimmer said gently, “I’m sure they had somebody there waiting for him to come round.”

“But _we_ weren’t there,” she replied resolutely.

            _You mean_ you _weren’t there_; Rimmer thought, rather ungenerously.  _You really think the only thing that could possibly have made him feel better was the sight of your beauteous face gazing lovingly down at him._

It might have been an unkind thought, especially in the circumstances, but Rimmer was feeling understandably bitter.  It was okay for Kriss to sit there and coo over him and stroke him tenderly; even if when he was better she could (and probably would) then turn around and say that she had only been being friendly.  Because she was a woman and women did that kind of thing.  But Rimmer couldn’t even reach over and touch him, not even to squeeze his hand, without every one of them realising the truth.  It was so unfair it made him want to puke.

            Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kryten gently patting the small mound that was Lister’s foot beneath the sheets, in a tender but desperate sort of way.  Unless Rimmer was mistaken, the mechanoid was also giving Kochanski a less than friendly look.  He almost laughed out loud.  It occurred to him that this was probably the oddest love triangle, or square even, that there had ever been in the whole history of the universe. Smegging hell.  All they needed was for the Cat to join in and Lister would have managed to score a full house.

            He looked down at the sleeping man on the bed and prayed that he had been right about somebody being there for him when he woke up.  Perhaps even more than their unresolved moment of intimacy, it haunted Rimmer that he hadn’t been there for his roommate at the moment he’d most needed it.  While he’d been scrabbling around inside a soup dispenser worrying about whether he should be using a 14B or a 14F and whether or not he’d just made a complete fool of himself, Lister was being raped and tortured.  While he’d been dawdling down the corridor, taking his time, wondering whether he was about to get a thump or a blow job, Lister had been bleeding to death on the floor.  Rimmer hated himself for that.  And if Lister had woken up this morning in a strange place, in pain, with nothing but the memory of that horror to tell him what was happening and nobody there to reassure him...well, then, that was just something else for Rimmer to hate himself for. 

            Kriss noticed his expression, the anger and recrimination, and tried to make him feel better; “He’s going to be okay, Rimmer,” she said gently.

“I know,” he replied shortly, “It’s just...I promised him something.  Not so long ago.  And I think I might have broken that promise.  At least it feels that way.”  Kriss cocked her head to one side, “What did you promise?” she asked.  _That I would look out for him.__  That I wouldn’t let anything happen to him.  That I would always be there when he needed me.  _Rimmer sighed and shook his head, “It doesn’t matter,” he said dejectedly.  It was bloody typical, wasn’t it?  All the time they were in the Tank, Rimmer had kept an eye on him and nothing too serious had ever happened.  And then just as soon as he’d thought they were safe, as soon as he’d let his guard down, along came some psycho and did this.

            If it hadn’t been so tragic, it would almost have been funny.


	12. Chapter 12

            Lister lay awake in the darkness of the ward, tears making a slow mournful path down his cheeks.  The clock beside him said 3:27 am and he was fairly sure that everyone around him was still asleep.  It seemed that even the strong sedatives the doctor had given him hadn’t been enough to allow him to pass the night in peace. The dreams were too strong, too vivid.  Too painful.  Lister was afraid he’d never sleep properly again.

            In a weird way he was glad of the wires holding his mouth shut. The lower half of his face still ached, but at least he hadn’t woken everyone in the medi-bay when he’d jolted awake trying to scream.  The doctor had told him he’d have counselling sessions when he was well enough, but Lister didn’t think all the cosy, confidential chats in the world could ever make this feeling go away.  The memory of what had happened was all over him.  Every wound felt like a branding mark left on him by his attacker, a signature in scars.  How could he ever possibly forget when the sick reminder of his own body would always be with him?  If he could, he’d have shed his skin like a reptile.  He hadn’t seen the extent of his injuries yet, hadn’t seen a mirror or even the stitches holding together his stomach and torso, although in his head he could almost follow the path of every gash like a map just by the pain; but he knew it must be bad from the way people looked at him.  He felt like something horrifying.

            He thought of the last time he’d seen Rimmer.  He’d been halfway out of the door, but at the last minute he’d turned back and Lister had seen in his face such longing...such tenderness...He wondered what he’d see in Rimmer’s eyes if he were here looking at him now.  Disgust probably.  And fear.

It was something he’d never be able to tell anyone as long as he lived, but for a moment in that room, naked and bleeding underneath his attacker and feeling the agonising pain – both physical and mental – of what was being done to him, he had wondered whether this was what they called Divine Retribution.  Lister had never been religious, but he was aware of how God was supposed to feel about men...being together.  And it seemed that just as he was pondering whether he’d fallen in love with another man, the powers that be had sent along this ordeal as a punishment for his sinful thoughts, to show him how terrible and wrong such things were.  Part of him knew how ridiculous this was, and scoffed at himself for even thinking this way; but another small, frightened part of him thought that it was a bit too much of a coincidence. But neither of those parts could decipher why it was then, that the person he wanted here with him most right now was Rimmer.   

            The doctor had told him that extra security had been posted on the doors of the medi-bay to make him feel safer; but quite frankly it hadn’t worked.  Lister didn’t feel safe in this strange stark room, full of odd shadows and people he didn’t know.  The only thing that he thought might make him feel safe in this place would be that familiar voice, reassuring him the way it had all that time ago in the Tank and maybe...just maybe...a gentle kiss to let him know he was loved.

            Lister buried his face deeper into his pillow, hoping he would have stopped crying by the time the nurse came round in the morning; and almost grateful for the catheter he was still hooked up to, because at least that way he was spared the embarrassment of anyone realising that when he’d woken up from his nightmare, he’d been convinced he’d seen the man who did this to him hiding in one of the shadows.  And he’d wet himself.


	13. Chapter 13

            Hollister was sitting at his desk with his head in his hands.  It didn’t make any sense.  There shouldn’t have been any way this could have happened.  No ships had docked with them; no-one had teleported on.  They hadn’t even made contact with another vessel for over a year!  It was like the bastard had just appeared from nowhere.  And because they didn’t know where he’d come from, they knew nothing about him.  And because they knew nothing about him, it was making it almost impossible to find him on this gargantuan ship.

            It bugged Hollister that he couldn’t work out how this had happened; and because he couldn’t explain it, he was starting to feel responsible for it.  Despite some of his fairly recent escapades in the Brig, since Lister had been working with him as an officer Hollister had become a lot better disposed to him.  He’d actually started to like him and even respect him.  He didn’t think he’d ever quite be able to get his head around Rimmer, and couldn’t really understand what the attraction was there, (that tape had certainly been an eye-opener), but he did feel sorry for him right now; especially now that he had begun to see some of Lister’s better qualities. 

            And then, almost by accident, something fell into place in Hollister’s head.  _The Brig._Nothing had docked with Red Dwarf, but they’d sent ships out, hadn’t they?  The Canaries flew out to derelicts at least once a week, sometimes even more.  Was it possible that this was the answer?  Had somebody come back with their prison ship?

            He felt like kicking himself for not looking into this sooner; especially with Lister and Rimmer at the centre of all this mess, he should have made an immediate connection.  “Holly!”

“Yes, Frank?” The balding head immediately materialised on the screen in his office.

“When did the Canaries last make contact with an outside vessel?”

“Three days ago.  The _S.S. Edison._”

            Three days ago.  Right before Lister had been attacked.  “I want to see the full report of the mission right now and access to the ship’s database!”

“It will be up on your computer screen in one minute fifty-two seconds and counting,” Holly replied, sounding bored by the whole thing.  Sure enough, the computer screen flared into life and Hollister began to trawl through its contents.

            They were closing in on the piece of scum, he knew it.


	14. Chapter 14

            The worst thing about having your jaw wired shut, Lister had decided, was that you couldn’t swear at people.  Especially people who fussed round you constantly, wanting to take your temperature and fluff your pillows and a million other annoying inconsequential things that he couldn’t be bothered with.  And the worst thing about being bed-ridden and in almost constant agony, apart from the obvious, was that you couldn’t throw things at them either.  He wished Kryten was with him.  Kryten’s fussing was just as irritating, but in a much more familiar, comforting way.  He thought back to when he’d been recovering from the Epideme virus and losing his arm, the way that Kryten had taken care of him then; and how much it had pissed Kristine off.  He felt abandoned.  He couldn’t work out why none of them had come to see him.  They must have known he was here by now.

            The doctor appeared by his bedside and it took all of Lister’s willpower not to glare at him and his smegging clipboard full of secrets.  “Well, now,” the doctor said pleasantly, “How are you feeling?  Did you sleep alright?”  Lister shook his head glumly.  The doctor’s smile faltered, “Oh, dear.  We’ll try a larger dose of the sedatives tonight, how about that?” His jolly tone made it sound like he was offering to take him on a picnic, “I know you must be sick of hearing it but you really do need your rest at the moment.  Especially as your roommate is coming down to visit you this afternoon.”

            Lister’s head snapped up and the doctor saw he’d got his interest.  He smiled broadly, “Yes, that’s right.  Rimmer sent a message down earlier to say he’d come and see you after lunch.  I’m sure it will be nice for you to see a familiar face. And he’ll be happy to see you awake; the last couple of times he was here you were sleeping.  It’s been very difficult for him; he was the one who found you.”

            Lister couldn’t believe it.  All the time he’d spent fretting and it turned out that not only did Rimmer know where he was, but that he’d actually been the one who brought him here!  And no-one had even bothered to tell him that he’d visited.  If he had been able to sit up and his arm hadn’t been in a sling, he might have punched someone.

            “I...uh...should probably tell you before he comes,” the doctor said awkwardly, “That it was decided by the captain and myself to inform Rimmer of exactly what you had been through, so you would have some support once you were well enough to leave the medical unit.”  Lister froze as the news sunk in.  “Nobody else has been told but we really felt it was best for your own welfare that somebody knew what the situation was, and Rimmer seemed the best choice.  I hope you understand that we had your best interests at heart.” 

            _It could have been worse_; a little voice at the back of Lister’s mind said soothingly.  _They could have told Kriss.  Or the Cat.  God, that would have been fun.  Kryten would have gone beserk with worry.  Hell, they might have decided Petersen was my closest friend and I never would have been able to show my face again. _ But none of this made him feel any better.  Because although Rimmer probably had been the best person to tell, Lister still wouldn’t have wanted him to know.  Especially now.  God, what must he be thinking?

            Lister had spent almost every moment - both waking and dreaming - since he’d watched Rimmer walk out of their sleeping quarters, wondering if the next time he saw him Rimmer would actually want what he’d seemed to be telling him he did.  If he would want what Lister had come to realise that _he_ wanted.  But now even if he’d been right and Rimmer had wanted it...wanted _him_...when he’d walked out of that room...what were the chances that he still would, knowing what he did? 

            He started to feel a bit sick.  The idea of seeing Rimmer again had been filling him with mixed emotions of longing and dread ever since he’d first opened his eyes in this place.  But now, knowing that in just a few hours he would he sitting here beside him, he could feel the dread starting to tip the balance.  And they couldn’t even talk it out properly because they were surrounded by other people.  And even if they didn’t care about that, Lister still had his jaw wired shut.

            But surely that didn’t matter too much?  If Rimmer had made his decision, if he really did love him, surely he would find a way to let him know, even if he couldn’t come right out and say it.  He would just have to wait and see how he reacted when he saw him.  If he would make his feelings clear...or shy away from him altogether.


	15. Chapter 15

            Rimmer’s heart was thumping nervously as he made his way through the ward to Lister’s bed that afternoon.  He’d spent hours debating with himself how he should handle this and everything he’d come up with had conflicted with either his head or his heart.  What he wanted was to scoop Lister into his arms and kiss him, and let him know that he’d never ever let anybody hurt him again.  But he didn’t know quite how well Lister would react to such a greeting.  Christ, what if Lister wouldn’t even let him touch him?  Then how would he feel?  He was going to have to take this slowly.  He couldn’t let himself pressure him in any way.  If this was what Lister wanted he’d let him know just as soon as he was ready.  In the meantime, Rimmer couldn’t assume anything.

            He approached Lister’s bed and saw he was indeed awake.  It startled Rimmer just how wonderful it felt to see those brown eyes open, and he felt a lump rise in his throat.  He swallowed it down determinedly and took his seat by the bed.  “Hey,” he said quietly, “It’s good to see you conscious.  I was starting to think they were lying to me and you were actually dead.”  He winced at his own words.  What an opening line.  He had no idea how much his tactlessness filled Lister with delight; he’d forgotten how utterly crap Rimmer was in situations like this.  “I can’t stay long.  The doctor says I’m not allowed to tire you out or get you worked up,” he blustered on, “So I suppose it’s for the best I didn’t bring my RISK campaign book.  I was going to read to you.”

            Lister couldn’t stop the smirk that suddenly appeared on his face.  Rimmer had no way of knowing it, but it was the first time Lister had smiled since he’d woken up from surgery.  “You look a lot better,” he said tentatively, “The bruising’s almost faded now.  The others will be pleased when I tell them; we’ve all been so worried.  Kryten’s nearly blown a fuse.”  Lister could believe it.  “I’m sorry it’s just me here.  They wanted to come but Cat couldn’t get the time off and Kryten doesn’t really get any time off at all.  And Kriss has been working with the captain and security team to try and find...” he trailed off, not sure how to phrase it.  “Well, you know.  But they said they might come down tonight and see if you’re still awake.”  Lister felt the first tinge of disappointment.  He had been hoping that Rimmer had come here by himself for a reason.

            “Anyway,” Rimmer continued, “They think they’ve got a lead.  It’s possible that...he...could have stowed away on one of the Canary ships.  That’s why they’ve got Kriss working with them, because of her knowledge of the Brig and Canary missions and the way they operate.”  Lister nodded, but Rimmer could see he didn’t care much.  Until they actually caught the bastard, nothing was going to make Lister feel any better.  “How’re you getting on in here anyway?  Have they been nice or are the nurses really snooty?”  Lister shrugged in a ‘not too bad’ sort of way.  “You must be pretty bored though, just lying there all day.  I can bring some of your tapes down for you if you’d like.”  Lister nodded.  It would be good to have something to drown out the presence of the ward around him, but he really didn’t care about nurses and music right now.  He wanted to know what Rimmer was thinking, and as yet he hadn’t given him anything to go on.

            He continued to natter away about nothing in particular, the way he always did when nervous, Lister nodding now and then, constantly searching his face, his body language for something; some sign, an ounce of recognition of what was hanging unspoken in the air between them.  As far as he could tell, there was nothing.

            After half an hour, James the nurse came over and suggested, rather firmly, that Lister had had enough for one day and it was time for Rimmer to be leaving.  Rimmer sighed but didn’t argue, “I suppose you’ve got medication to take and physiotherapy and things to get on with,” he said, standing up.  “I’ll try and bring the others next time.  They really want to see you.”  Lister smiled weakly.  Perhaps now, something in his goodbye would let him know.  A gentle touch; a look even.  Something...  Rimmer hesitated and his heart leapt.  “I’ll come back whenever I can, okay?” he said, and clasped his shoulder in a stiff, manly sort of way.

            And inside, Lister’s heart broke.


	16. Chapter 16

            He lay quietly while James fussed round him, preparing to change his bandages.  So Rimmer had made his choice.  He couldn’t really have made his rejection any clearer, could he?  Even the old Rimmer had managed to bring himself to give Lister a hug before he’d left to become Ace.  That ridiculous pat on the shoulder had just been a nothing.  A way of filling the expectation of a caring gesture without really having to touch him.  He wished James would get on with it and leave so he could at least pretend to go to sleep and close off everything else for a while.  He really didn’t want to cry in front of everybody.

            He was so busy thinking about Rimmer, it didn’t occur to him that he was finally about to see what kind of a state his body was in.  It was only as he felt the first sharp twinges of pain around his ribs as the bandage pressure decreased that he even thought about it.  He looked down just as James peeled away the final layer of cotton and for a few seconds everything in his head, including Rimmer, just went out the window.  He froze up. 

            He didn’t recognise himself.  Thick black lines of stitching ran crazily every which way through his puffy purple skin.  This wasn’t him.  This couldn’t be him.  He couldn’t actually look this way...this awful.  He started to shake.  Somewhere deep in his head he heard James saying something that could have been his name, but he paid no attention.

            Rimmer had seen this.  Worse, Rimmer had seen it when it was freshly done.  When he was covered in blood and parts of him that were never meant to see daylight had been hanging out.  No wonder he didn’t want him anymore.  No wonder he didn’t want to touch him.  Who the hell would?  He looked like...like...

            An image came into his head of a film he’d once seen.  _Frankenstein_.  And the mad doctor had taken a bunch of dead bodies, hacked them up and sewn them together again differently to make his monster.  And that was what he looked like.  A monster.

            He just had time to turn his head away from the bed before vomiting violently over the floor.  He didn’t even realise he was crying until James was in front of him, wiping his face with a wet cloth that smelt of disinfectant.  “It’s okay...It’s okay...” he was saying soothingly.  “I know it looks bad now, but the swelling hasn’t entirely gone down yet, and it won’t be as bad once we take the stitches out.  Come on, it’s not that bad.  Shhh...Think how lucky you’ve been.  You could easily have been dead right now.”

            Lister struggled to stop the tears pouring down his face but he couldn’t help it.  No matter what James said, for the first time, he was starting to think that maybe things would have been better if he had died.


	17. Chapter 17

            Rimmer and Kochanski had been called to the Captain’s office.  Neither of them knew exactly why, but they were both praying that it would be good news.  Kriss knew from the work she’d been doing with the security team that it was pretty certain this guy had smuggled himself aboard from a recent canary mission, although nobody knew any details for sure yet.  Perhaps, she thought as they sat down opposite Hollister, they were about to find out some of those details.

            “Arnold, Kristine; thank you for coming up at such short notice,” the captain said.  “I’m sure you’re curious to know what I’ve got to say, so I won’t keep you in suspense.” He smiled triumphantly, “We know who he is!”  He picked up a printout lying on his desk and read from it.

            “Richard Dresden.  34 year old white male.  1st technician, based in supplies, stationed aboard the _S.S. Edison_.”  He handed Rimmer the sheet and Kriss peered over his shoulder.  As yet neither of them had seen what this guy looked like.  They were faced with a photo of an ordinary, if slightly solemn man, with a broad build and dark hair.  Rimmer stared at it with a resolutely blank expression.  If no-one else had been present he’d have ripped the picture into a million pieces, obliterating every last trace of the image of the person he hated with such ferocity.  

            “He managed to kill six men on the _Edison_ before he was finally caught.  They’d all been...well,” he shared a split second look with Rimmer, “...The cases were all very similar to Lister’s.  Although obviously none of those victims survived.  Eventually forensics managed to nail him down with DNA evidence.  He was placed into stasis, with the intent of making him stand trial for the murders once the ship returned to Earth.  Unfortunately, the ship crashed and it seems Dresden was left fast asleep until our Canaries inadvertently woke him up and brought him home.”

            “Well,” Kochanski said slowly, “It’s good to have a name and a face, but does this actually bring us any closer to finding him?”

“It depends how you look at it,” Hollister shrugged.  “In one sense, no.  It doesn’t tell us where he’s likely to be hiding in this place.  But it does tell us a few things that are useful.”

            “Like what?” Rimmer asked, sceptically.

“It tells us,” Hollister sat back in his chair, “That Lister was not a one off.  This guy is a compulsive killer, which means that sooner or later – and it will probably be sooner – he’s going to try and strike again.  And when he does, we’ll be ready.  In one hour, everybody on this ship will know this guy’s face and the moment anyone spots him, that’s it.  We’ve reworked the security so that wherever you are on the ship, a group of our guys can get to you within five minutes of an alert.  And, even better,” he smiled grimly, “It tells us that he’s afraid of us.  He’s been caught once; he doesn’t want to be caught again.  He’s nervous and it’s making him sloppy.  He screwed up when he bolted without making sure Lister was well and truly dead.  Now he’s got a living victim; somebody who can testify against him in a formal trial.  That’s partly why we posted the extra security on the medi-bay.  We didn’t want him realising his mistake and coming back to try and finish the job.”

            Kriss caught her breath, “Jesus.  I hadn’t even thought about it like that.”

“For whatever reason, he panicked and ran for it before he was ready.  Maybe he was disturbed, thought he heard somebody coming; we don’t know.  But from what I’ve read in the reports of the _Edison_ murders, I think something must have interrupted him; because if he’d taken all the time he wanted that night, I don’t think there would have been anything left of Lister but pieces.  He didn’t just kill those other poor sods, he took them apart.”

            He saw Rimmer close his eyes and immediately knew he’d said more than was necessary.  “Anyway,” he said quickly, “The fact that he didn’t manage to get the usual satisfaction from his encounter with Lister will probably mean that he’ll be itching to get his hands on somebody else.  I don’t think we’ll have to wait very long before he pops up again.  And as soon as he does, it’s all over.  He won’t last five minutes once he’s out of his hiding place.  I promise you.”


	18. Chapter 18

            And so they were back to waiting.  They visited Lister and told him what they knew, but he seemed utterly uninterested in that and everything else they had to say.  Rimmer didn’t understand.  He’d seemed to be doing so well the last time he saw him, he’d even managed to get a few little smiles out of him.  But now he just seemed to have plummeted right down into utter despair.  He didn’t know what could have caused the change.  Perhaps it just hadn’t sunk in before what had happened and he was only starting to deal with it now.  Rimmer wished more than anything he could take him out of this horrid place.  He was improving physically every day, but he could tell that every hour spent in this misery-pit was taking its toll on his spirit.  It made something ache deep inside Rimmer’s chest to see Lister – chirpy, cheerful Lister – so completely crushed.

            The days turned into weeks.  The ship was operating under a massive purple storm-cloud of fear and foreboding.  The bars were deserted in the evenings, the crew all locked safely away in their quarters.  Hollister remained insistent that Dresden would crack any day; that it wouldn’t be much longer, but it already felt like they’d been living in fear for a lifetime.

            Finally the day came when Lister was to be released from the medical unit.  The doctors were aware that he wasn’t entirely recovered; he still needed to regain a great deal of his strength, but Rimmer wasn’t the only person who’d realised that the prolonged time trapped in the grey cage of the ward wasn’t doing much for his state of mind.  They’d tried twice to get him to have a proper session with the counsellor and on both occasions he’d withdrawn into himself and said absolutely nothing.  There was nothing they could do but hope that with a change of scenery and a little time, he would begin to display some more encouraging steps forward.

            Hollister had arranged for both Lister and Rimmer to move up to a room in the officer’s quarters.  Officially it was to make him feel safer; security on the officer class decks was higher than those for the technicians, but Hollister had had rather more compassionate reasons for organising the change round as well.  It hadn’t taken a huge leap of imagination for him to guess, correctly, that Lister would probably never want to set foot in his old room again.

            When the day arrived, Lister was surprised to find himself actually a little shaken by the prospect of leaving the ward.  As much as he hated this room, it had also become his shelter.  He found himself looking round and seeing significance in every small detail.  That was the crack in the ceiling that he’d spent a whole night watching after one of his nightmares had left him unable to sleep.  He’d used his imagination to twist it into all kinds of shapes, desperate for something, some distraction to keep him awake and safe from the horrors that waited in sleep.  That was the light that buzzed if you left it on for more than an hour at a time.  That was the space of floor he’d puked on the first time he’d seen the new body this ordeal had left him with.  This was the room where he’d woken up as somebody else.  Someone he didn’t recognise.

            He’d even been a little bit sorry to say goodbye to James, who had never once had the bad taste to ask him how he was feeling; because he had always known there was only one answer he could ever have honestly given.  Lister had found himself wondering once just how many people James had watched reacquaint themselves with their own limbs.  The doctors put peoples’ bodies back together; the nurses watched people put their minds back together once the doctors had done all they could.

            Although Rimmer had come down to collect him and a security guard had been appointed to escort them to their new room, it still took a huge effort on Lister’s part not to give away how scared he was.  Rimmer noticed he was trembling, but chose to say nothing about it.  Had Lister been a little more forthcoming during his recovery, Rimmer might have taken this opportunity to renew their physical contact, to squeeze his hand or something; but Lister had been so completely distant recently that he didn’t quite dare.

            He seemed to relax slightly once they were closed away in the lift and Rimmer began to realise how much time it was going to take before he would even be confident enough to leave their sleeping quarters.  This was going to be a very long process.

            Once they’d arrived safely at their new place, Rimmer thanked the guard and locked the door behind him as he left.  Lister stood and looked around.  It was a lot like the room he and Rimmer had helped themselves to after the radiation leak, before they’d become stranded on Starbug.  There was something very soothing about that.  It felt familiar.  It felt like coming home.  Someone had brought their stuff up for them already and Rimmer had taken the time to put some of it out, to make the place feel a bit more lived-in.  He watched Lister carefully, “Do you like it?”

“Yeah,” Lister said quietly.  The wires had been taken out of his jaw, but talking was still a bit painful and difficult so he kept it to a minimum.  Although he hadn’t smiled or anything as he’d said it, Rimmer could tell by his expression that he meant it.  He looked content.

            “You take the bottom bunk,” Rimmer said, feeling the need to fill the silence.  Lister turned and looked at him with mild surprise.  “Just for a while,” he added, “Until you’re a bit better.  You’re not strong enough yet to be jumping in and out of bed.”  Lister gave him a slightly odd look and seemed to be thinking about something.

“Thanks,” he said at last.

“That’s okay,” Rimmer felt strangely relieved and didn’t know why.  “Should I ask the others to come over tonight or are you too tired?”

“Don’t mind,” Lister shrugged, “Up to you.”

            Inside he thought; _Christ, he doesn’t even want to be alone with me_.

                   


	19. Chapter 19

            When Rimmer awoke that night, he knew immediately that Lister wasn’t there.  The room was too quiet, with no sound of his normal deep, heavy breathing.  He got out of bed; already feeling the dark spread of alarm through his chest.  So much for the long process of rebuilding his confidence!  The very fact that Lister had disappeared off on his own in the middle of the night was bad enough, but Rimmer _knew_ he was still in a hugely fragile mental state.  Only this morning he’d been a quivering wreck just at leaving the medi-bay and rejoining life onboard ship; so why would he do this?  He pulled on a t-shirt over his bare chest and boxers, trying hard not to panic.  Where the hell could he be?

            He never knew why, and perhaps the only explanation could be that somewhere, in a different universe, another version of him was thinking about Lister, and that for a moment their consciousness’ met; because suddenly Rimmer knew where he was.

            Despite its name, the observation dome was not manned twenty-four hours.  The human crew did their day shifts and the rest of the time it was monitored by Holly, who would inform them the next day if anything had happened they needed to know about.  He decided not to share with them the events of this particular night.

            Lister was looking out into space.  He didn’t know why he’d come up here, didn’t even know how he’d found the courage.  He was thinking.  Thinking about how easy it had been to forget everything that had happened in those years after the crew had died.  The hours of talking, the countless adventures, the fun and terror that had resulted from them.  But walking into those quarters today had brought it all flooding back.  As if when he opened the door, the corridors would all be empty again; except perhaps for Kryten dusting or an echo of the Cat’s voice singing or hunting for lady cats.  Or Rimmer shouting at the skutters.  He’d never thought it would be possible, but despite the danger and difficulties they had faced, those had been the happiest days of his life.  All he’d wanted then was to find a way back to Earth, or to resurrect the crew.  To be with other people again.  And now he’d got his wish and all he wanted was for it to just be the four of them again.  And Kriss.  Maybe.

            And this was where he and Rimmer had always come when they needed to talk.  Whenever they were feeling upset or down, they always knew they could find the other sitting up here.  He felt a familiar pang of loss for his old friend.  And now, it seemed, right when he thought he’d finally got what he’d never even realised he’d wanted, he’d lost both of the Rimmers in his life.  And so when he heard the footsteps on the stairs, he passed it off as a memory and a moment of wistful imagination and longing.

            As soon as Rimmer got to the top of the winding stairs up to the dome, he saw Lister.  He was standing over by the rail with his back to him, watching the stars.  Rimmer sighed with relief, “There you are.”  He went over to him. “What the hell are you doing?  You shouldn’t be up here, especially this time of night and certainly not on your own!  You’re still meant to be resting, you need your sleep!”  Lister turned and looked at him with vague surprise, but said nothing.  Rimmer paused, uncertain; then pushed on, “Look, you haven’t even got a jacket on and it’s freezing up here,” he scolded; ignoring the fact that he himself was only wearing what amounted to underwear.  He glanced around, and spotting a blanket over by the telescopes, scooped it up and put it timidly around Lister’s shoulders.

            And suddenly Lister let out a sob.  Rimmer drew back, “I’m sorry,” he said immediately, assuming he’d done something to upset him but with no idea what.  Lister pulled the blanket tighter around himself and hung his head, weeping.  Rimmer felt his own eyes filling up, “Lister...Lister, please.  Please don’t cry.  Please...”

“It’s s...s...so unfair!” Lister managed to choke out, ignoring him.  Rimmer swallowed hard.  “I know,” he said softly, thinking he knew what Lister meant.

“We were so close!  So close to being happy!” Lister continued, tears pouring down his face.

            Rimmer opened his mouth to say something else comforting and meaningless, then stopped as his brain cut in.  “What do you mean?” he asked; his heart pounding.

“You loved me!” Lister sobbed, “I know you did!  You did everything but say the words!  And now...now you can hardly even bring yourself to touch me!”  He hid his face in the blanket and cried helplessly.     

            Rimmer froze, his emotions torn somewhere between joy and agony.  “Lister...” he said hoarsely.

“I’m not blaming you!” Lister insisted tearfully, trying without success to dry his eyes on a corner of the blanket, “I understand.  It’s not your fault.  I would never expect you to feel the same way about me now!  But when I think of what we could have had...I just hate the sick fuck even more!” 

“I can’t believe you’re saying this,” Rimmer said, shell-shocked, and even he didn’t know what part of Lister’s lament he was replying to.  He shook his head and made an attempt to start clarifying things. 

            “Why,” he said slowly, “Would you ever think that I would feel differently about you because of what happened?”

“Oh, come on, Rimmer!  I told you, I understand!  I know what you must be thinking now when you look at me!” Lister turned away, seeming ashamed.

“Tell me,” Rimmer said, confused, “Because I’m not sure I know.”

“That I’m dirty!” Lister burst out, dissolving into fresh sobs, “That I’m dirty and ugly and awful!”

            Rimmer felt like he’d been karate-chopped in the chest.  “No...,” he said simply, “No, don’t ever say that!”

“It’s true!” Lister sobbed, “Who could possibly want to touch me now after knowing what he did to me?  After seeing...”  He huddled deeper into the blanket as if hiding the scars from sight would remove them altogether.  “Even I can’t stand the sight of my own body anymore, so how could anyone else?” he finished brokenly. 

“And you think,” Rimmer asked, his voice shaking with emotion, “That that’s why I haven’t just carried on where we left off?  Why I haven’t wanted to touch you?”

“Well?” Lister challenged him, “Isn’t it?”

“No!” Rimmer ran his hands back through his hair, angry and frustrated, “My God, if you knew...If you only _knew _what hell I’ve been through the last few weeks, wanting to hold you and touch you and just pull you into my arms and squeeze out every last drop of pain you were feeling!”

            Lister stared at him, dumbstruck.  “So why didn’t you?” he asked in a small voice.

 “Because I was scared!  I didn’t know what you were thinking, and the last thing I wanted was to make things worse!  I thought after what had happened you might be revolted by the thought of me touching you!  I didn’t want to be a constant reminder of what he did to you!  I didn’t want you to associate my love with his sickness!  I wanted to be able to make you feel loved and safe when we were together and I didn’t think you’d be able to feel that way; not yet at least.” 

            Rimmer wiped his eyes, “I thought maybe...in time...you could come to terms with the fact that I loved you and see that it wasn’t such a terrible thing for us to be together; that it was nothing to do with that bastard or what he did to you, but about us.  And that nothing this wonderful could ever be sick or wrong!”

            Lister swallowed hard, his eyes showing a tremulous mixture of fear and hope, “You mean,” he quavered, “You really don’t care about...all that?  You really don’t think I’m...ugly?”

“Lister,” Rimmer gazed at him adoringly, and wasn’t even the slightest bit ashamed of the tears pouring down his face; “I think you’re the most beautiful thing in the whole of this damn universe!  And I have done from the moment I first laid eyes on you!”

            Lister’s face broke into a huge, happy, tearful smile.  “Well, get over here and hug me then, you stupid prat!” he burst out, half-crying, half-laughing.  Rimmer bounded over and scooped him into his arms, pulling him tight against his chest and hugging, hugging, hugging like he’d never let go.  He covered Lister’s face with kisses, his skin feeling hot – feverish almost – against his lips, his burning cheeks still wet with tears.  He was so happy it was almost pain, like he might explode at any second. 

            “God,” he choked out, “When I walked in and found you lying on the floor that day, I thought I’d never get to hold you like this.  And when they told me what he’d done to you, I was sure.  I can’t believe this is happening.”

“It’s happening,” Lister said, closing his eyes and letting Rimmer continue with his kisses, “It’s really happening, Rimmer.”  He slipped his arms around his waist and lay his head against his chest.


	20. Chapter 20

            Something was different.  Rimmer couldn’t work out why, but he’d never felt this way waking up before.  So fuzzy and happy and snug.  He wriggled contentedly further into his bedding and became aware of a warm, pleasant weight in his arms that wriggled with him. 

            _Of course_.  It all came flooding back.  Rimmer had never woken up with anyone before.  It was lovely.  He carefully pulled the covers back a little way so he could see Lister’s face.  He was still fast asleep.  He looked peaceful and, Rimmer thought, utterly adorable.  He leaned over and kissed his cheek, both strangely and pleasantly titillated by the slightly rough feel of his stubble against his lips; and cuddled close against his back.

            When they had come back to their room the night before, they had both climbed into the bottom bunk together; Lister against the wall and Rimmer tucked neatly around him, shielding him from view and turning their backs, quite literally, to the world.  Despite their euphoria at finally being in each others arms, after so much time and doubt, they had kept their t-shirts and boxers on and had shared nothing more than long lingering kisses before falling asleep.  It wasn’t the right time yet for anything else.  Lister was in no way strong enough, mentally or physically, to deal with it.  But at least they both knew now that the day would eventually come when they could be together the way they wanted.  Rimmer had never been this happy before in his life.

            He lay silently for a while, prolonging the moment as long as he could; and gently, so as not to wake him, stroking the small curve of Lister’s ear.  Just because he could.

            Lister hadn’t slept this well in a very long time.  Drained by the emotions of the long day and night before, he would have been tired anyway.  But this was the first time since the attack that he’d been able to sleep this soundly, and the eyes gazing down at him in his dreams were no longer dark pits full of malice and terrible promise, but bright hazel and loving.  The eyes he’d seen as he’d fallen asleep.

            There was a soft but shrill beeping noise from the screen in their room and when Rimmer lazily craned his neck over he saw the word ‘Message’ flashing on and off in bold red letters.  Urgh.  It could wait.  He’d let work pull him away and ruin the moment once; he wasn’t going to let it happen again.  Especially this moment.

            The noise had disturbed Lister, and Rimmer could feel all the little changes taking place in his body as he woke up in his arms.  He marvelled at the sensation.  It was almost like being a part of him.  By the time Lister blearily opened his eyes and squinted sleepily around himself, taking in his situation and surroundings, Rimmer knew he was past the point of no return.  He wasn’t just in love.  The phrase was too common, too hackneyed, too wildly insufficient to describe the way he felt.  All he knew was that he belonged to him body and soul, and he would never ever be complete unless Lister belonged to him that way too.

            He leaned over him and kissed his forehead, “Hey,” he said softly.

“Mm...” Lister managed, not quite awake enough for coherent speech yet.

“Did you sleep okay?”

“Mmm...” By the intonation, Rimmer could tell that was a yes.  He smiled and cuddled him closer, careful not to squeeze too hard in case he hurt him.  Lister nuzzled his face into his shirt and breathed in its clean, starchy, Rimmer-smell.  He sighed contentedly.  “Do you want me to give Kryten a buzz?” Rimmer asked, “He’ll bring us up some breakfast if you’re hungry.”

“Mmm...bacon...” Lister replied fuzzily.  One whole actual word; it was an improvement, he was getting there.  Rimmer took it as a yes.

            Reluctantly, he slipped out of Lister’s arms and padded over to the screen.  Ignoring the message, he patched through to Kryten’s room.  The mech answered almost instantly, his expression bright and eager to please; “Good morning, sir!”

“Morning, Kryten.  Lister’s just woken up and he’s feeling a bit peckish, any chance you could whip up a round of bacon sarnies and bring them up?”

“Of course!” Kryten had been thoroughly depressed by how little he could actually do for his master the past few weeks, so to him this was like a godsend.  “I’ll have them hot and ready at your door in two jiffs, Mister Rimmer!”

“Thank you, Kryten.”

            Mission accomplished, he slipped back into bed next to Lister.  “How are you feeling?  Do you need any painkillers?”

“No.  Not for the moment,” he replied, yawning.  He’d woken up a little more while watching Rimmer talk to Kryten.  He reached up with one hand to lazily play with Rimmer’s unruly curls.

            “You’ve got proper bed-hair this morning, man.  Unless you’ve got some good gel stashed away in here, people will be wondering what you’ve been up to.”

“Let them wonder,” Rimmer replied; an unusual spark of mischievous defiance lighting up his eyes.  Lister smiled, “Too right,” he agreed, “They’ll find out when we’re ready and not before.  That is,” he backtracked slightly as a thought struck him, “If you want them to.  I mean...”

“Shhh,” Rimmer kissed the top of his head, “I want people to know.  Smeg, if I could, I would shout it from the rooftops.  But there aren’t many of those on board, so we’ll have to make do with just telling people the normal way instead.  Although,” he remembered, “There are a couple of people who sort of know anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m pretty certain Hollister and Todhunter saw footage of us on the security cameras when they were looking for evidence.  Of the argument we had right before...Well, I think they saw what happened anyway.”

“Oh,” Lister said, a bit taken aback.  “Did they say anything to you?”

“No.  But I’m fairly sure they would have seen it if they were looking at what was going on in our room that day.  And Hollister especially has been acting kind of weird; being a little nicer to me.  I think he felt sorrier for me than he would have done otherwise, because he thought you were my boyfriend.”

            “Am I?” Lister asked, after a thoughtful pause.  Rimmer looked at him with surprise, “No,” he replied, wrapping his arms around him with a big goofy smile, “You’re way more than that.  You’re my whole world.”  Lister beamed and hugged him back.  “Don’t you worry,” Rimmer said lovingly into the top of his head, “I’m going to make sure everyone on this ship knows you’re mine.  I want everyone to know how much I love you.” 

            It probably should have been a huge moment, his saying those words, but somehow they’d just come running out all by themselves without bothering to wait for a fanfare.  But Lister still grasped the importance of what he’d just said, and knew the reply that was needed.  “I love you too,” he said softly.

            When Kryten finally knocked on the door ten minutes later, it took them a few moments to disentangle themselves enough for Rimmer to let him in.  After some brief confusion about whose limbs were whose and how to separate them, Rimmer managed to stand up and stagger to the door.

            “Mister Lister!  It’s so good to see you sitting up!” Kryten gushed as soon as he was inside, “And you’re getting your appetite back too!  It’s just wonderful!”

“Yeah; hi, Kryters,” Lister grinned, taking the plate full of fantastic smelling sandwiches off him.  Bacon butties with proper dairy butter and loads of ketchup; there was nothing else like it in the galaxy.  They could take their lousy hospital food and stuff it.  For Kryten’s part, he was so surprised to see Lister smiling again, he wasn’t quite sure what to say.  “Well, you certainly look much better,” he finally managed, cautiously.  “I feel a lot better,” Lister said, with his mouth full, “I had a really good sleep last night for the first time in ages.”

“Excellent.  Miss Kochanski will be so pleased when I tell her.”

“Mrramaphff...” Lister explained through a mouthful of food.  Rimmer dug in as well.

            Kryten beamed.  They seemed very happy; a job well done.  “If you don’t mind, sirs, I’ll be getting along now.  But if you need anything else just let me know and I’ll be along post haste!”  Lister swallowed,

“Cheers, Krytes!  Great sandwiches!”  Glowing with satisfaction, Kryten left.

            It didn’t take long for the ridiculously large pile of butties to disappear; they were both starving.  It was like a revelation for Lister.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been really hungry, or had even really desired food at all.  He’d been on the drip for far too long and the food he had finally been given when he was taken off it was fairly awful.  When he really couldn’t manage another bite, he flopped back against the pillows, “That’s it!  I’m full!”

“You sure?” Rimmer teased, “I think there’s some crumbs round the edge of the plate that escaped your detection.”

“Seriously, man, no more.  I think the stitches on my stomach would burst.”

“Well, we can’t have that, can we?”  Rimmer stretched out next to him and tucked an arm around his shoulders.  Lister rested his head against his chest.  “You’ve already been in the medi-bay far too long for my liking.”

            He reached down to gently stroke Lister’s stomach through his t-shirt and immediately felt him tense up.  “What’s the matter?” He drew back, “Are you sore?”

“No.  No, I just...Don’t touch it.  It’s horrible.”

“Lister, there’s not a single inch of you that’s horrible!”

“You haven’t seen it,” Lister replied stubbornly.

“Show me then.”

“No,” Lister curled up, “It’s too bad.  I don’t want you to puke all over me, or anything.”

“For goodness sake!  Why would I?”

“I did,” he admitted softly, “The first time I saw it.”

            Rimmer was stunned.  “Listy...” he said gently, gathering him up into his arms.  “I was sick and then I started crying.  And James told me I should think about how lucky I was to be alive.  But I didn’t feel lucky.  It made me wish I was dead.”  Rimmer held him, tenderly stroking his back.  “I think,” he whispered, “That I’m very lucky you’re alive.  I think I’m the luckiest man who ever lived.”  Lister looked up at him dubiously, and saw that he meant it.  His expression softened slightly.  “Let me see,” Rimmer whispered.

            He very slowly, very gently, pulled up the hem of Lister’s t-shirt.  Lister closed his eyes and turned his face away, but didn’t stop him.  Rimmer drew in his breath softly.  The scars swerved crazily over his body like the tyre tracks of a drunken driver, scything through his otherwise perfect skin.  He traced them lightly with a fingertip and Lister shuddered.  “Hey,” Rimmer gently cupped his chin and turned his face up towards his own.  Lister opened his eyes and Rimmer could see a mixture of fear, resentment and blind naked love in their dark velvety depths.  He kissed his nose.  “You’re beautiful,” he said simply, “Every bit of you.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Lister whispered, a few stray tears escaping from under his eyelashes.  “Probably not,” Rimmer smiled, “I can’t think of anything you’ve done that’s that awful.”  Lister laughed and wound his arms up round his neck and they just held each other for a long time.

            Rimmer drew back first.  He carefully wiped the tears from Lister’s cheeks and kissed him.  “You go get in the shower,” he said softly.  “I’ll make us some coffee and we’ll decide what we’re going to do with ourselves, okay?”

“Aren’t you late for work?”

“I’m not going in today.  Hollister said I could take some time off, so I’ll hold him to it.  I’m staying with you.”  He patted Lister’s thigh, “Go on. Go have a nice hot shower.”        


	21. Chapter 21

            When he could hear the water running in the shower, Rimmer stood up and stretched.  Time to get dressed.  He didn’t think he’d ever stayed in bed so long before in his life; it was nearly midday.

            The flashing message alert finally caught his attention and he sighed.  It was probably Hobbs, panicking because he wasn’t there to organise Z-shift’s duties for the day and wondering what to do with everyone.  He supposed he ought to sort it out.  “Play message.”

            It wasn’t Hobbs.  It was Captain Hollister, beaming triumphantly.  “Excellent news, fellas!  It’s what we’ve all been waiting for!  We got the bastard!  We finally got him!”  Rimmer sank down onto the side of the bed, astounded.  “He finally cracked and came out of hiding last night and tried to attack Deck Sergeant Walker, but he overpowered him and alerted security!  He’s under armed guard in the interrogation room as we speak!”

            Rimmer felt slightly sick.  The one night Lister had been wandering the ship unprotected and it was the night the son of a bitch chose to make a re-appearance.  Christ, he couldn’t even think about it; what could have happened...  And he knew that he could never ever let Lister know.  “Crack open the champagne,” Hollister continued jollily, “Because this ship will be celebrating tonight!  Now excuse me, I must let Kochanski know.”  The screen went black.

            Rimmer couldn’t take it in.  He was still sitting on the bed when the bathroom door opened and Lister came out in his dressing-gown.  He took in his expression.  “What is it?” he asked anxiously.  Rimmer looked up at him, his eyes wide.

“They got him,” he said.  Lister blinked.  “They got him,” Rimmer repeated, “Last night.”  He stood up.  “He’s locked up under armed guard.  It’s over, Listy.  It really is.”  Lister seemed frozen.  Rimmer took him gently into his arms, “Are you okay?”

“Where is he?” Lister asked.

“Down in the interrogation room.”

“What are they going to do with him?”

“I don’t know.  He didn’t say.”  He carefully studied Lister’s expression; “Aren’t you happy?”

            He could tell there were wheels turning somewhere deep inside Lister’s head, but for what purpose, he couldn’t quite work out.  “I want to go down there,” Lister said suddenly.  Rimmer certainly hadn’t been expecting that.  “Why?” he asked incredulously.

 “I want to see him.”

            Rimmer was shocked; and he couldn’t stop the concern he was suddenly feeling from showing on his face.  “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” he said cautiously.  “I can tell,” Lister replied dryly, “And I don’t care.  I want to go.”

“But why?”

“I won’t know until I get there.”

“Lister, you realise that it’s more than likely they won’t even let us in?”

“We’ll find out, won’t we?”  Lister replied and started to get dressed.  They’d been together as a couple for less than twenty-four hours and already Rimmer knew that there was no point arguing with that voice.  Lister had made up his mind.


	22. Chapter 22

            Half an hour later, they were standing outside the interrogation room.  Rimmer wasn’t happy about this; not happy at all.  He could see Lister’s anxiety in every breath, every tiny movement, and he was afraid of what this might do to him.  He wasn’t ready for this confrontation; it was too soon.  Rimmer was frightened for him.

“You don’t have to do this,” he told him softly, squeezing his hand, “We can turn round right now and go home.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Lister replied, staring determinedly at the door.  He knocked hard and Rimmer braced himself inwardly for whatever was about to happen.

            An officer neither of them knew opened the door.  They saw him recognise Lister and hesitate.  “We’d like to come in, if you don’t mind.” Lister’s words were polite but his voice was like steel.  Hollister appeared next to the officer in the doorway.  The surprise was evident on his face, “What are you fellas doing here?  I thought you’d be off celebrating.”

“Not yet,” Lister said, “There’s something I need to do first.  I need to see him.”  Rimmer looked at Hollister’s expression and made a fair guess that it was a lot like his had been when he’d heard Lister’s request.

            “I don’t know, Lister,” he said doubtfully.

“Dave?” Yet another face appeared in the doorway.  This time it was Kriss.  She squeezed past Hollister and came out to take his hands.  “You should go,” she told him gently.  “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be here just now.”

            He dropped her hands, “That’s what everyone seems to think; but if you ask me, it’s about time _I_ started making some of the decisions about what’s best for me!”  He looked round at them all angrily, “I lived through what he did to me, and I’m living with the results of it, so don’t think I’m going to crumble now just from looking him in the eye, alright?  Give me a little goddamn credit!”

            Everyone suddenly seemed to be looking at the floor.  Lister took a deep breath.  “Let me in.  I deserve that much.  At least.”  Rimmer could see some serious reluctance still on Hollister’s face, but he silently nodded to the officer beside him and they stood aside to let them pass.  Lister stalked through, his head held high.  Rimmer followed him meekly.

            Everything looked exactly the same as it had the last time he’d been here.  Although, on that occasion of course, he’d been on the other side of the glass.  There was a guard standing by the door between the two rooms.  There was a handgun in the holster by his side.  In the room on the other side were two more men in matching uniforms; also with guns and two officers questioning a familiar man.  No doubt about it.  It was Dresden.

            Lister had stopped a little way from the glass and was staring through silently.  Rimmer, forgetting about everyone else present, wrapped his arms around him from behind and held him close against his body.  He could feel him shaking from head to toe; not just trembling but really shaking.  “That’s him,” he said, his voice high and a little panicky, “That’s him!”

“Yes,” Rimmer said soothingly, “It’s okay.  I’m here.”

            Lister stared and stared.  It was a peculiar feeling to see the face that had loomed before him, so huge and frightening in his memories and his dreams, reduced back down to perspective.  A dark-haired, stockily-built man.  Just a man.  It occurred to Lister that the last time he’d even thought he was this close to the bastard he’d pissed himself in terror.

            He wiped his eyes and struggled to hold back a sob.  He just about managed, but still let slip a traitorous little whimper.  Rimmer kissed his cheek, “He can’t see you, remember,” he reminded him, “He doesn’t even know you’re here.” 

“What are you going to do with him?” Lister asked the captain, not taking his eyes away from Dresden.  “I don’t know,” Hollister replied with weary honesty.  “We’ll have to hold a trial I suppose, just for procedure.  And then we’ll have to stick him in the Brig.  It gives me the creeps though to think of that thing living and breathing on this ship with us.  Even locked up.”

            It gave Lister more than the creeps.  How many times had the five of them managed to sneak their way out of the Brig in the time they’d been there?  To be fair, they were classed as low-risk prisoners and had been allowed a certain amount of freedom, but even so...Not even sticking him in stasis was foolproof, was it?  That’s what they’d thought on that last poor ship, right until the power went down and the booth was deactivated.  There was just never going to be any way to be sure, was there?  He was going to have to spend the rest of his life in fear of waking up one night with this man on the loose; maybe standing over his bed...with that knife.

            A thought surfaced in Lister’s mind.  “Does he even know that I’m still alive?” he asked hoarsely. 

“I don’t know.” Rimmer looked questioningly at Hollister, who also shrugged.

“He should know.” There was a note of strength creeping back into Lister’s voice; of anger.  “I think it’s time he found out.”

“Dave, no,” Kriss said.  He turned and glared at her, but she stood her ground.  “It won’t accomplish anything,” she said, “If anything he’ll just gain satisfaction from it.  Just let it be.”

“You’re right,” Lister replied shortly, “It won’t accomplish anything.  Except maybe giving me a little piece of my self-esteem back.  I’ll admit it wasn’t worth much in the first place, but I still miss it sometimes.”  Kriss frowned, but she looked awkward.  “And coming face to face with him and showing him that I’m still alive, that he didn’t kill me and that I’m not afraid...Well, that might help to piece a little bit of it back together.  And I would be quite grateful for that.”

            He’d lied of course.  He was still afraid.  He was terrified.  But maybe all that could change.  “Captain?  May I?” he asked sweetly.  Hollister looked miserable.  “I should say no,” he told him sternly, “But if you think it will help, then smeg it all.  Do what you have to do, Lister.”  Lister nodded in thanks. 

            Rimmer took his hand, “You want me to come with you?”

“No,” Lister looked hard into his eyes, “I have to do this by myself.  But I want you to promise you’ll still be here waiting for me when I come back out of that room.”

“You know I will.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Whatever happens?”  Rimmer pulled him into a tight hug,

“Whatever happens,” he confirmed, “As long as I have a breath left in my body I will be here waiting for you.”  They shared a brief kiss.  Hollister looked away.  Kriss stared.

            Lister squared his shoulders and walked to the door.  He brushed past the guard and went through into the interrogation room, his arms folded defensively against his chest.  The two questioning officers stood up in surprise but once they’d recognised his face, they backed away with respect.  Lister faced Richard Dresden.

            Dresden stared at him blankly for a moment, and then began to grin wolfishly.  “I didn’t hear you come in,” he said.  Lister felt his face flush; both at the voice and the words.  That was what he’d said, wasn’t it?  When he’d turned around and found the bastard standing behind him in his room.  He’d remembered; and he was mocking him.  Before, aside from locking the door, he’d remained silent; almost through the whole thing; concentrating on what he was doing.  But Lister still remembered that voice from one simple sentence.  _Look at me, you dirty little fuck._  The way you’d talk to a disobedient dog. 

            And Lister realised, as he looked at Dresden, and Dresden looked at him, that this man had no concept of humanity.  No concept of personality outside his own self.  No grip of right and wrong.  He just wanted to hurt things.  Animals, other people, it would make no difference to him.  He probably couldn’t even see the difference.  As long as it could bleed, he’d cut it.  And he’d never stop.

            He wondered, briefly, if he should say something.  But then decided there was no point.  He sighed and unfolded his arms, revealing the handgun he’d been concealing.  A childhood spent scrumping and pick-pocketing in Liverpool left you with some skills you never lost and the guard hadn’t even noticed when Lister had deftly swiped the gun out of his holster as he brushed past.  Dresden was still grinning when Lister pulled the trigger and shot him in the head.


	23. Chapter 23

            Kochanski screamed.  The guards and the two officers still inside threw themselves to the ground.  By the time they’d recovered sufficiently from the shock to be back on their feet with their own weapons out, Lister had already put the gun down carefully on the table and walked calmly out of the door, back to those on the other side.  “Well,” he said serenely, “I suppose that’s the end of that.”

            “Lister!” Hollister burst out, practically speechless with a mixture of horror and complete and utter shock.  “What...?  I mean, how...?” He gave up trying to get the words out and settled for, “Jesus Christ!”

“Now that everything’s sorted you should get the skutters in here to clean up a bit,” Lister remarked, eyeing the splatters of blood on the glass beside him with disinterest.  He’d seen more and it had been coming out of him.  This was nothing.

            “_Sorted?!_” Hollister exploded, “Lister, do you have any idea what you’ve just done?”

“Yes.  I just did you and everyone else on this ship a massive favour,” he replied coldly; “You said it yourself.  Nobody on this ship would have been or felt safe with him still on it.  Even locked away in the Brig.”

            Hollister looked flustered, “Maybe not; and perhaps at some stage another solution would have presented itself.  We could have followed procedure...”

“Procedure?” Lister snorted.  “You still don’t get it, do you?  The hell with the JMC and its procedures!  There _is_ no JMC anymore!  There’s no Board of Enquiry, no Justice system, _no human race!_  There’s just us.  Which means that we make the rules as we see fit.  And we all know that it was too dangerous to allow that...thing...to remain alive on board this ship.  Locked away in a cell or not.”

            The silence in the air was thick with unspoken but reluctant concurrence.  “Even so...” Hollister muttered, but his heart wasn’t in it.  Lister stared at him steadily.  “It had to be done,” he said simply, “And I was the only person with the right to do it.  So I did.  And although you could have me arrested right now and thrown back into the Tank for the rest of my life for what I just did, I don’t think you will.  Because you’re too grateful that you’re not the one who had to do it.”

“So that’s the deal, is it?” Hollister asked bitterly, “We get to sleep soundly tonight knowing that we got what we really wanted without the guilt of having the blood on our hands, and you get your revenge.  Right?”

            “Revenge?” Lister stared at him incredulously, “You think that was _revenge?_  Don’t you understand _anything_?”  Hollister was disconcerted.  “I have to live with what he did to me for the rest of my life!  And now I have to live with this too!  There is nothing I could have done to him that would have been enough revenge for that!  He was a rabid dog and I just gave him the easy way out by putting him down.  Believe me, Hollister, if I’d wanted revenge it would not have been a quick and painless death via a shotgun blast to the head!”  Hollister had the decency to look embarrassed.

            Lister turned to Rimmer.  He was standing to one side, looking shocked and a little pale, but that was it.  He too had seen worse; the night he found Lister.  They stared at each other and Lister asked the only question that really mattered to him.  “Do you still love me?”

            Rimmer crossed the room in two strides and folded Lister tightly into his arms.  Lister clung to him in relief, a drowning man who’d just found a raft and wasn’t about to let it go; and finally, in the shelter of Rimmer’s embrace, he was able to give way to the tears.  For everything they’d been through, for everything they’d suffered and lost and gained, and for the final act of violence that had put an end to it all and changed Lister’s view of himself forever.  He’d just killed someone.  No matter how justified, no matter how good the cause, he knew he’d just lost a huge part of himself; and he’d never be able to go back to being the person he was before.  That David Lister was gone forever.

            He didn’t realise it himself, but actually that David Lister had been gone from the moment he’d woken up in the medi-bay.

            “Please don’t hate me,” he sobbed into Rimmer’s chest, “You know why I did it...You understand...”

“I understand,” Rimmer whispered to him, through his own tears, “I understand and I love you.”  Still cradling Lister, he looked over his head at Captain Hollister.  “I think I should take him back, Sir.  He only got out of the medi-bay yesterday and he’s still very weak.  He should be in bed.”

“Sir!” the guard by the door protested, “He just committed murder in front of nine witnesses!  You can’t just...”

“Thank you, sergeant; that will do.” Hollister interrupted firmly.

“But, sir!”

“That will do!”  Hollister turned back to Rimmer.  “Take him home,” he said quietly, “And make sure he gets some rest.  Kristine?”  Kochanski snapped out of her reverie,

“Yes, sir?”

“Go with them in case they need anything.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Thank you, sir.” Rimmer added.  The three of them made their way out.


	24. Chapter 24

            They didn’t speak all the way back.  Once they got in, Rimmer gave Lister his medication and put him into bed.  He sat with him, stroking the back of his neck soothingly until the sedatives did their work and he fell at last into a deep sleep.  It was only three in the afternoon.  Rimmer felt like they’d been in that awful room down there for an eternity.  It was Kochanski who broke the silence.

            “Did you know what he was going to do?” she asked suspiciously.  Rimmer shook his head, exhausted.  “I don’t think even he knew until the last second.  When I asked him why he wanted to go in the first place, he said to me, _I won’t know until I get there. _ And it looked to me like he hesitated before taking the gun out.  I think he wanted to give him one last chance to redeem himself, prove that he could be allowed to live, and he blew it.  I really don’t think he wanted to kill him unless he absolutely felt he had to.”

            Kochanski sighed irritably, “You could have told me, you know.”

“For smeg’s sake, Kriss!  _I did not know_ he was going to...”

“Not that!” She snapped.  “You could have told me you two were...together!  I must have looked a right fool in there when you two started smooching and my jaw dropped to the floor.  Everyone must have thought I was either stupid for not knowing you guys were a couple when I’m meant to be one of your closest friends, or really, really enjoying it.”

“Which was it?” Rimmer asked, annoyed by her hostility. 

            She glared at him; “Does anyone else know?”

“Not yet.”

“Are you going to tell them?”

“We weren’t hiding it today, were we?”

“Kryten’s not going to like it, you know.”

“He doesn’t have to,” Rimmer replied impatiently, “And nor do you, for that matter.  You should be happy for us!”

“Well, I’m sorry, Rimmer, but I’m feeling a little betrayed right now.”

“Why?  Because we didn’t tell you we were in love, or because he ditched you for me?” Rimmer shot back.

            Kriss bristled, “_What?_”

“You’ve been angling to get him back ever since he got promoted!  And you got pretty close too, actually.  You were in the lead right up until I finally let slip how I felt about him.  But unfortunately that was the same night that Dresden showed up, so there was something of a delay in clearing up our feelings.  But last night we finally talked it out and this is the situation as it stands.  Rimmer one, Kristine nil.”

            It was a cheap dig, he knew it, but it was also undeniably satisfying.  It could have turned into a full-scale argument, but the events of the day had been too much and neither of them had the energy for it.  Kriss took a deep breath, “Okay.  I’ll admit that part of the shock was because I thought Dave was still in love with me; and yeah, it does sting a bit to find out he isn’t, especially, as you said, we were so close to getting back together.  But I am worried about whether now is the right time for Dave to be dealing with the stress of coming out.”

            “He’s dealing with it fine,” Rimmer said stiffly, “And so am I.  We’re not ashamed.”

“Good.  Then I’ll forgive you for hoodwinking me and stealing my boyfriend if you promise me a few things.”

“Like?”

“Like _never_ being ashamed.  Even when it’s tough and people are being shitty to you; be proud of the decision you’ve made.”

“I don’t think that will be hard,” Rimmer replied, and he meant it.  Kriss continued,

“Be honest with me in future.  Next time I found out you’ve been hiding something this important from me I _will _bust your head.  Understood?”

“Understood,” Rimmer agreed.

“And finally,” She gave him a hard look, “Take care of him.  Make him happy.  There’s too much bad stuff he needs to forget, without you adding any grief to it.  If you can be there for him the way you were today, every day, I’ll be satisfied.  And if I don’t think you’re making the grade, then I might just decide to step back into the running for this competition.”

“You can try,” Rimmer replied defiantly.  Kriss ignored him.

            “So,” she said, “Can you promise me all of the above?  Particularly the last one I just mentioned?”  Rimmer thought about it.  He knew it would be difficult waiting for everyone to come to terms with their new relationship, but he didn’t think he’d ever be ashamed to say that Lister was his.  Being truthful to Kriss, well...He might take a bit of license with that, but he supposed he could be honest with her most of the time.  And as for that last part...

            “I think,” he said, “That I can most definitely promise you that.”

            After Kriss had gone, he curled up on the bed beside Lister and nestled his head close to his on the pillow.  “You hear that?” he whispered lovingly to his sleeping boyfriend.  “I know I screwed up last time, but I swear to you, Dave, this time I’ll do better.  I’m going to be here for you, and take care of you, and love you with all my heart, forever.”  He gently kissed his forehead.  “And I’m not going to let _anything_ make me break this promise.”


End file.
